Lollipop Chainsai
by Sai Kunai Blade
Summary: Much like I did with Yuri-I mean! Yokai Academy, I'm making a spin-off of Lollipop Deadpool where my OC risks life and limb to rescue San Romero! ... With Juliet's help, of course. With more references than people should try to count and jokes all along the way, this will be the perfect mixture of badassery and hilariousness. Can Sai help Juliet save San Romero? Wait and see.
1. Prologue

Name: Sai Blade

Age: 17

Awesome facts: controls fire, is a badass ninja, has a type of Super Saiyan transformation with fire

Looks like: Look at the damn author's picture, lazy-asses

Personality: Total badass, ladies man and funny mofo. Enough said.

Bio: Born into a badass ninja clan, I can kick ass with any weapon I pick up and I can control fire, not to mention I make more references than Deadpool for funny effect or to trip up my opponent. I am one of the most skilled fighters in fictional history, as along with my family's traditional teachings, I have also trained under the tutelage of Deathstroke, Dante, Ryu Hayabusa and Bayonetta. I'm also an associate at Devil May Cry, where I'm in a kick-ass relationship with Lady and have a rivalry with Nero that is EXACTLY like Deadpool and wolverine, except I'm usually the one who kicks his ass. But if anyone says I look like Dante or Nero, HELL SHALL BEFALL THEM. Also in my possession is an apparently magic trench coat that, along with having 10 pockets, those pockets are close to bottomless. Now then, onto the story.

At everyone's favorite devil hunter's office, we were freezing our asses off because Dante didn't pay the fuel bill in the middle of winter. I had to make a fire in the middle of the room so everyone could keep warm. "You know, Dante, it's really about time you start managing your money better." I said.

"What? You can't handle a little cold like this?" He said.

"I prefer the heat." I said.

At that moment, Trish walked in. "Well, maybe you can go warm up in California. I just got word a place called San Romero is getting overrun by zombies." She said.

"Wait! Warmth and zombies to kill?! Bye bye." I said, walking out. I saw Trish's bike in front of the shop and noticed the keys were still in the ignition. "I'm sure she won't mind if I... borrow this. She said I'm like a little brother to her, so she'll let this slide." I said, jumping on and firing it up.

"Sai, you better not be doing what I think you're doing!" She said, rushing out as I gunned it and took off.

"Sorry Trish, gotta get there somehow, I'll pay you back for any damages!" I shouted quickly, maneuvering to the left and right to avoid her lightning blasts.

"I'm on the highway from hell and when I go back, I'll be meeting with hell." I said, not wanting to think about what she'd do to me later, leaning on the hope she'd forget or not care. (Oh, man, that's gonna be a shitload of gas money.) I thought.


	2. Free Parking

While I was still making my way to San Romero, Juliet was just arriving at school to find it was overrun with zombies. "Oh, my god! What the heck happened?! Oh, god! Gross! Yuck! Back off! It smells!" She said, completely oblivious to the fact she was about to run into a bus, then screamed when she was about to hit it. Luckily, she managed to jump off and avoid the crash, landing on the other side of the bus. She looked at the wave of zombies with instant annoyance. "Seriously?! Dude, what the hell?!" She said, reaching in her duffelbag, pulling out a chainsaw, revving it up and rushing in at the zombies. "And on my birthday, too! Like I'm not already late enough!" She said, cutting through a bunch of zombies, doing a split and cut some poor zombie bastard in half from crotch to head. "Stupid, undead DOUCHEBAGS." She cussed as the zombie split apart.

The zombies then swarmed on her, but she forced them back and swung her chainsaw around, spinning in circles and cutting the head off one zombie, kicking it, bouncing it off 3 trash cans into a baby carriage.

She pulled out a lollipop as a bio poster for her appeared.

**Juliet Starling**

**Age: 18**

**Totally in love with: **

**Nick Carlyle**

**Favorite weapon: Bedazzled chainsaw**

**Favorite food: Strawberry lollipops**

**GPA: 3.4**

**Hobbies: Cheerleading, karaoke, bisecting the undead**

**Secret kink: **

**Likes to be told she's not fat**

"This is SO irritating!" She said, revving up her chainsaw.

Meanwhile...

I finally reached San Romero, running over zombies while singing diff'rent strokes. "Diff'rent strokes, it takes diff'rent strokes, it takes diff'rent strokes to rule the world! I think these strokes are doing just fine!" I said, pulling out a couple of sais and spearing the zombies. Not too far ahead, I saw a group of zombies about to attack 3 kids. "Uh-oh." I said, putting the sais away and pulling out two uzis, driving into the center of the zombies and doing donuts to shoot them all. Luckily the people they were attacking were crouching down into almost a fetal position, so they were okay. "Get out of here." I told them.

"Okay. Thank you." The one in the center said and they all handed me some shiny gold coins.

A medical chopper then came down and picked them up. "Nice work, dude! There's a girl going around saving people from the zombies. You should meet up with her!" The pilot said before taking off.

(Got it.) I thought, then looked down at the gold coins in my hand.

"Sweet! This is actual gold, I'm rich!" I said, driving down to see zombies going around a bus, looking like they were full out charging at something. I went to drive after them when a swarm came after me. "This'll be fun." I said, breathing a stream of fire at the zombies, which killed them, but they're rotting flesh stank like hell. "Oh, god! Not doing that again!" I said, holding my nose. I jumped off the bike, cleared a good distance from it so I wouldn't dent or damage the bike in any way, then pulling out my staff I modeled after Deathstroke's, so it also had a gun in it. I easily used my skills to beat down the zombies effortlessly and shot them from afar except in one case where I shoved it in a charging zombies mouth and blew his brains out. "Ah, this is fun. You know, ironically, this is freakin' AMAZING! Oh, man, Vegeta and Nappa would love this." I said to myself, then got back on the bike and drove around the bus to see what was going on. A sexy cheerleader girl was protecting an injured guy get to the designated area for chopper evac. I rushed in on the bike and popped a wheelie to smash them all in the face, which was then ripped off by the force of a wheel. I hit a few more before stopping, knowing the last one was behind me, but I pulled out the staff and once again, blasted his brains out. "Not even a challenge." I said.

"Whoa, who the hell are you?!" The cheerleader asked.

"My name's Sai Blade." I told her.

"That's cool. I'm Juliet." She said.

We laid the guy down on the chopper bed after our little meeting and waited for the chopper to reel him in, which took forever. "Good job, kids." He said.

"Glad you made it, pilot dude!" She said, waving.

Suddenly, zombies started to climb onto the bed with the guy. "That's not good." I said, pulling out a couple of machetes and throwing them into the zombies. They fell onto their backs, which caused the knife to go deeper into them, easily killing them.

"Thanks for the help, dude! I'd hate to leave you here, but you two need to keep going and see if there are any other students that need to be saved." He said.

"Fine by me. I can keep killing things in that case." I said, checking the ammo on my uzis and putting them back.

"You've got guns? Give me one!" She said, but then her phone rang. She answered it to reveal the voice of apparently her mother.

"Hey, it's Mom, Juliet. Hope you're taking care of yourself. Don't do anything stupid." She said, then hung up.

"What was the point of that phone call?" I asked.

"You know moms. Always checking in." She said.

"Well, let's keep going." I said.

"Okay, I don't think you can take that bike any further, though." She said.

"Yeah, you're right." I said, parking in in a nearby space, but unlike Trish, I DID take the keys out. I threw pieces of the barricade in front of us out of the way so we could continue on. Zombies poured in at that moment.

"Let me fuck your father!" One of the zombies said.

"What the hell?! My father would not fuck a zombie!" I said, shooting it. We ran in and kicked ass, taking no damage until Juliet took a hit from a zombie, then I noticed she had a health bar or a bunch of lollipops that went down when she got hit. "Oh, cool, you have lollipops for a health bar. Do I get one?" I asked, looking up to see a bar that looked like a Slim Jim above me. "That could work." I said.

We killed the rest of the zombies and continued on, slicing up a few more zombies about to break down the gate to the campus. "Please move, I'm in a hurry!" She said, killing them.

After they were done, giant containers fell and hazmat zombies jumped down. "Decontaminate! Decontaminate!" He said.

"Hey, respect people's property!" Juliet scolded, slicing at him.

"He's a zombie, I doubt he cares." I said, pulling out a sword, cutting the first one twice, then threw my sword into the air, shot him in the head twice, ran back and kicked my sword into his chest, then loaded him up with bullets from my uzis. I noticed the other one that neither of us was attacking was trying to sneak up from Juliet from behind. Just as he reached out for her, I ripped my sword out from the other guy and sliced off his arms. "Looks like you've been... Disarmed!" I smirked, shooting him in the head. "Wrecked 'im? Darn near killed 'im!" I said.

Juliet finished off the last one, cut down the gate and ran down to the fountain. "Oh, Nick, PLEASE be okay!" She pleaded.

"He'd have to be pretty good to survive this." I said.

"Nick, are you there? It's okay to come out! Nick?! Oh, please!" She said.

"I'm sorry, but I don't think that he could've made it." I said, then heard a hiss behind me. I turned to see a zombie right behind me, so I jumped back, pulled out my pistol and blasted him in the head.

"Juliet?! Are you okay?" A dude asked running up.

"Nick!" She said, holding him close.

"You must either be a good fighter or a fast runner to get away from all of these freaks." I said.

"Yeah. It was a little tough, but I'm used to running and tackling people out of the way. I played football." He said.

"I see. Here, you may need these." I said, tossing him my uzis and the Beowulf gauntlets I stole before leaving DMC.

Back at DMC...

Dante was about to go on a mission and decided to take Beowulf, but when he checked the place he keeps them, they were gone. "SAI!" He shouted.

Back to us...

"Thanks. Nick." He said.

"Sai." I responded.

"Well, it looks like we got a team!" Juliet said, happily.

"Yeah, we've got a badass ninja, a badass cheerleader and a pretty decent Jock. Looks like we're the misfit badasses." I said.


	3. Burning School Special

We busted into a classroom, Juliet looking around and checking for zombies while me and Nick were in the middle of a topical (I think that's what the type of conversation is) conversation.

"What do you mean Lili Rochefort's a lesbian?!" He demanded.

"Have you ever met the chick? You don't get more anti-sperm than THAT. Let's look at the facts here: She's obsessed with and constantly chases Asuka, she has shown slim to no interest in any guy in the series as long as she's been in it and if you get the game Queen's Gate: Spiral Chaos, albeit it's Japanese only, almost every movie clip she's in, she's staring and fawning at other girls." I said. "Good fighter, though."

"Huh." He said, then more zombies busted in. "Holy, shit, more zombies!" He said.

"This! Is! SPARDA!" I said, pulling out the massive blade, slamming it into the ground, then turning it into a scythe for a wide sweep destruction. "Good thing Trish said I CAN borrow this whenever I want." I said.

Back at DMC...

Dante was calling everyone in for a big mission. Trish went to the closet to get Sparda, but when she opened it, the mighty sword wasn't there. "I'm gonna kill him." She said in an annoyed tone.

Back to us...

Another zombie burst in, but Nick decided to take care of it. "Another stupid zombie!" He said, punching it in the face, shattering its skull.

"Nice shot." I said. We walked down the hall, but suddenly the roof was blown up, preventing us from going any further that way. "Well, that's inconvenient." I said.

"We can still get through in here." Juliet said, walking through a door. It looked like an average class that hadn't been infected when suddenly, Juliet recognized the teacher. "Hey, it's Mr. Fitzgibbon!" She said.

"The hell kinda name is that?" I asked.

He suddenly turned around to reveal he was a zombie and screamed in rage. "I'm Fitzgibbon, bitch!" He said, ordering his zombie students to attack.

"Now, now, that's no way to talk to a lady." I said, throwing a knife into his chest. It didn't seem to effect him too greatly, however. "Fine, deal with the cannon fodder first." I said, slitting the throat of the closest one. Juliet did a fancy combo to kill two more and Nicked kicked the last one in the face.

"Test time!" He said, at which point 8 more burst into the room.

"Oh, you have some more little friends, huh? I got a surprise for them." I said, pulling out Dante's Missile Launcher. "Click, click, bow!" I said, locking onto them when I said click, click and shooting them when I said bow. "Ha ha! That was just TOO damn easy!" I said.

"Hey, you should've left some for us!" Juliet said, but it sounded like she was teasing.

"No talking! Alright, study time!" He said, jumping out of a window.

"It's really hard to take a boss character seriously when they run away from you." I said.

"Right?" She said.

"Yeah, like that freaky wolf robot in Metal Gear Rising: Revengeance." Nick agreed.

"Yeah and he never did ANY combat after he was defeated." I said.

We continued on into the hall and noticed a bunch of students getting massacred by the zombies. One student burst out of a classroom, holding a zombie back, threw him to the ground, kicked another one in the chest and punched another one in the face. But finally he was tackled to the ground.

"Damn he has skills. We should stop them before we have a karate zombie to deal with." I said, throwing more knives, V for Vendetta style. I love that movie. Juliet and Nick too the zombies up close while I went to deal with the ones attacking the guy, throwing knives and fireballs. "The verdict now is vivisection." I said, pulling out two bladed sais and slicing the last zombie into pieces before taking a badass ninja stance.

"That was awesome, dude!" He said, tossing me coins, then vanishing into thin air.

"He's gone. Or was he never here to begin with?" I asked, the screen zooming in on me and turning gray. Then, two arrows appeared in front of two doors. "I call the one where the boss is." I said, going into the first room where two zombies had a guy cornered. "Can't let you do that, zombies." I said, putting my hands on my hips in a pose that meant I meant business.

Then, the teacher from before broke in and picked up a desk. "Do your homework!" He said.

"Sorry, my dog ate it." I smirked, getting into Scorpion's fighting stance.

He got ready to swing the desk at me, but I easily blocked it, being roughly 20 times stronger, then burnt it into ash, then casually bending his arm back. "My arm doesn't bend that way. My arm doesn't bend that way!" He said before I broke it, bending it that way. "OW! Now it does!" He cried out in pain, before I grabbed him and threw him into the other two zombies into a wall.

"Time to wrap this up. BIG BANG ATTACK!" I announced, shooting a blast of ki, mixed with fire, into them, vaporizing them and blasting another hole in the wall. I walked out the door, which fell off the hinges and regrouped with them. "How did it go for you guys?" I asked.

"Pretty good. Those new combos I learned were a big help." She said.

"Yeah, oh and by the way, nice move name: Big Bang Attack." Nick said.

"Oh, you're one to talk, Mr. Light Fist." I said. We then noticed a zombie walking down the hall with dynamite strapped to him. "We MAY want to get back into the classrooms." I said as we did. Just after we made it in, the zombie blew up the hallway. "What a blast." I said jokingly.

"Fuck! I think that zombie seriously had dynamite strapped to it!" Nick said.

"Why would somebody do that?" Juliet asked.

As we got up, I seemed to notice something. "I'm not physician, but there appears to be a giant piece of debri in my chest." I said, pointing at the large piece of the destroyed wall lodged in my body cavity.

"Holy shit, are you okay?!" They asked at the same time.

"It's not as bad as the time Vergil sliced me in half, so yeah." I said, pulling it out so the wound could close up. We jumped out of the destroyed wall to the lower floor to find a bus was blocking our way down one end of the hall hall towards us. We continued down the hallway the other way, only to find that the path was blocked.

"Oh, man, now what?" Juliet pouted.

"No problem. This wall is weak. Like paper mache`... Or Raditz." I said, punching down the wall.

"Holy shit, dude, you're like the Hulk!" He said.

"I like to think so. I can't really see myself going 'Sai Smash', though." I said.

"Oh, look! Another store!" Juliet said. She went in, bought more lollipops, skills and a cosplay of Shiro form an anime I've been meaning to watch called Deaman's Wonderland. "How does it look?" She asked, striking a sexy pose.

"I, uh... holy shit." Nick said, baffeled.

(Remember you have a girlfriend, Sai. Lady would kill you.) I said, trying to hold back the excitement. "Not bad, but I can't help but notice it's got targets and bullseyes all over it." I said.

"Well, people better not look where the targets are." Juliet said after looking at all the places they were, in more than one place, sexual places.

We continued on, saved another student, then the door behind him opened up and a teacher zombie held it open for a bunch of zombies to get through. "Where's my apple?!" He demanded, then slammed it closed.

"Oh, I've got an apple for him." I said, charging up a fireball for the next time he opened the door. By the way, for those of you curious as to why I'm throwing fireballs to kill them when I won't set them on fire, it's like this: setting them on fire does just that, whereas a fireball is more compact, causing more of an impact to blast them away rather than lighting them on fire.

"That jerk trapped us in here!" Nick said.

"How lame!" Juliet said, slicing a zombie's head off.

We finished them quickly and the teacher zombie opened the door again. "Here's a pop quiz for-." He started, but before he could finish and before my fireball hit him, he took a bullet in the head from behind, which was revealed to be a cop.

"Thanks a lot!" Juliet said, waving to him.

"Wait, something doesn't seem right here." I said, looking closer, then saw he was a zombie. Thinking quickly, I grabbed the back of Juliet's cheerleading top and yanked her to the ground and grabbed my trench coat, pulling it up in front of my torso and head to block the bullet, as it was lined with Kevlar. "Batman ain't got shit on me." I said in a badass tone.

"What the hell, dude!" Juliet snapped, glaring at me, then looked to see it was indeed a zombie cop.

"A zombie cop. How fucking lame." Nick said bitterly.

"A zombie with a gun? No fair!" Juliet snapped.

"Okay, wait! I said, raising one hand up in front of the zombie cop, signaling for him to stop, then I pulled out Lightning's gunblade.

In New Bodhum...

Lightning was getting ready to go on a mission and was all suited up, now only needing her weapon. She went to the chest where she keeps it, only to find it empty with an I.O.U sticker. "Sai..." She said, glaring at the note.

Back with us...

Let's settle this the old-fashioned way." I said, holding it down to my side. We stared each other down for a moment, then quickly raised our guns and I got him right in the chest, killing him easily. "Fastest shot in the North-East." I said, putting the gunblade away. We continued on to a door we thought was the way to go, but when Juliet sliced through it, it was a dead end. It did have a few coins and a golden lollipop in it, though. Suddenly a student ran out from it, screaming and running like a bitch.

"Wait!" I told him. Too late, a bomb zombie jumped out from nowhere and knocked him down, then blew up.

" Their bodies are wrapped with bombs!" Nick said.

"We need to hit 'em and run away before they explode! FUN!" Juliet giggled.

"How is that FUN?!" Nick demanded.

"It's just like when I play dodgeball with Nero when we use grenades." I said nostalgically, then threw a rolling fireball on the ground that rolled at the group of bomber zombies, then blew them all up. "Strike!" I said, fist-pumping.

"Man, you should have your own game!" Juliet said.

"I should." I agreed.

We jumped out of the place they blew up from and found a girl hanging onto the windowsill of a classroom with one hand for dear life. "I'm impressed the average person can do that." I said. We killed them quickly just before the girl fell and a zombie reached out for her.

"This is ass!" He shouted, blowing up the entire upper level.

"What?" I asked, weirded out.

"You okay?" Juliet asked the girl, receiving the medals she had.

"Those zombies totally pulled my underwear up my butt!" She said, disappearing.

"We... Didn't need to know that." I said, now a little creeped out.

"Look what those jerks did to our school!" Juliet said angrily.

"Yeah, but it DOES get me out of my calculus homework on Friday." Nick said.

"That's a plus. I've never taken Calculus, but I've heard it sucks. I DO know accounting sucks, though." I said (I take that class and I HATE it! Half the class barely understands what's going on anymore. Honestly, the only reason I take it is to have the 5 classes I need to be considered a student). We jumped up to the next level and found two students trying to open the green doors.

"Come! The one in a purple jacket said waving it as his friend in a blue jacket lifted up the door, then screamed as the hall behind us blew up, closing the door on us.

"I'll be back for you!" The purple one said.

"Uncool, asshole!" Nick said.

"Step one, melt the door, step two, kick the blue-jacketed kid's ass." I said, walking up to the door and melting just like...

"Whoa, dude, that was awesome! That was like in Ghost Rider where he melted the bars to the prison cell!" Nick said.

"Yeah, if it's not already obvious, I like doing movie references. Especiall badass ones." I said. I was about to punch down the door, Juliet went into a side room to rescue some more kids.

Suddenly, two zombies appeared from nowhere behind Nick and I. "You should be dating me!" He guy bomber zombie said.

"That sucks." The girl fire zombie said, running to him.

"DODGE!" I said, tackling Nick into the neck room.

Then they blew up and knocked down a pipe, now propped up like a stripper pole. "Ooh, this will be fun!" Juliet said, jumping onto it and spinning.

"NO WAY." I said in disbelief, my eyes open as far as they could possibly be.

"This is hot!" Nick said.

She killed all the zombies except one, but that one was killed as she dismounted the pole and slashed him.

"That. Was. AWESOME! Now let's go kill more zombies and kick the blue kid's ass!" I said, going to the door I melted and punching it, smashing a bunch of zombies behind it. The blue kid tried running , but a fire zombie grabbed him and there was dynamite around his waist, so he was blown up. "GOOD." I said.

"We can't just let them all die, Sai." She said.

"Hey, that rhymes." I said, amused.

"Or, we COULD." Nick said. Regardless, we kicked all the zombies asses and saved the guy.

We got through another door, but then the floor blew up and revealed many zombies on the floor below.

"Well, that's inconvenient. Lemme try this." I said, charging up a fireball the same way Goku would charge a Spirit Bomb.

"Wait, I got this." Juliet said.

"What are you gonna do now, Juliet?" Nick asked.

"Watch me, Nick!" She said, jumping on the zombies head and hopping from one to another, cheering. "Ready? Okay! Undead, we slay! Go! San! Ro! Mer! Ro!" She cheered, landing after the last bounce and taking a pretty cool pose. "If it bleeds, I can kill it!" She said, then all their heads blew up in a beautiful, sparkly explosion.

"That was from the Predator." I said, jumping down.

"So, what's the plan, here?" Nick asked.

"I thought it was to kill every single zombie and save as many people as we can that don't screw us over." I said.

"I need to find Morikawa-sensei! He'll know what to do." She said.

"Who?" We both asked.

"Morikawa-sensei! He's my sensei!" She said.

"Oh, I get it." I said.

"A sensei? You mean like a teacher?" Nick asked.

"I DIDN'T KNOW YOU SPOKE JAPANESE, NICK!" Juliet said excitedly.

"I think everyone knows that word." I said.

"Well, I-." Nick started, before Juliet interrupted... In Japanese.

Wā sugoi watashi mo nihongo wa hanashi masu!" she spoke in Japanese.

"According to Google Translate, she just said 'I does a great sum Japanese story wow." I said, then looked confused. "That doesn't seem right for this situation. Or make sense." I said.

"I can't speak Japanese, Juliet, I just know that one word." Nick said.

"Aw, your simple innocence is one of the most attractive things about you!" She said.

"I no longer understand what we're talking about." I said.

"Uh, yeah." He said to her.

"You're like a kitten! A kitten that doesn't speak Japanese." She said happily.

"Sure, okay." Nick said.

"Kittens can't speak at all." I said. "Except Korin of course." I said.

We proceeded to some trophy room and found a door that must've lead to the gym. There was something written on it. "What's this? It says zombie basketball, time limit 3 minutes. You lose and BLAM!" Nick read.

"That sounds unpleasant." I said.

We burst in, all in different action poses, to find that the game had already started. "What this?! The game's already started!" Nick said.

"Oh, that's cheating!" I said.

"Zombie basketball! Time your killing of zombies! How many points can you rack up?" Someone over the loudspeaker said.

"He he. He said 'rack!'" I chuckled.

"Basketball? Why basketball?" Nick asked.

"I was always good at sports." I said.

We went in and started kicking ass, Nick punching their heads off into the hoop, Juliet slicing their heads off into the hoop and me cutting their heads off with Sparda up close or blasting their heads off with fireballs at a distance. We were racking up points at an incredible rate, even with the blockers there, who we were killing anyway. Finally cheerleader zombies came in and tried to stop us, but we still managed to do pretty well. We won easily, 109 to 100. "Wow! What a turnaround! The zombies are getting slaughtered! Incredible game, everyone! Can't wait to see you in action again!" The loudspeaker said, then it started raining coins down on us.

"Yeah, Make it Rain!" I said, collecting them.

We went into the next room, only to find a zombie pushed in on a wheelbarrow, wrapped from head to toe in dynamite. "Mommy!" He shouted.

"We're all gonna die!" I said.

"We need to get out of here, fast!" Nick said, rushing through the door.

"Ain't gotta tell me twice!" I said, diving through along with Juliet.

"Everyone okay?" She asked.

"Yeah. I gotta admit, that was about as scary as the time my brother and I had to delivery a pizza to Vegeta and he dropped the pizza." I said.

Flashback...

We were in my brother's car when we stopped in front of Vegeta's place. "Hey, Lance, what are we doing here? We're gonna be late for the movie!" I said.

"Yeah, I know, but first I gotta deliver Mr. Prince of All Saiyans his pizza." He said, getting out of the car with the pizza, but he hit the box when he closed the car door and dropped it. "Shit, shit, shit!" He said, putting it all back in, scraping the gravel off.

"Oh, dear..." I said, worriedly.

He put it all back in and went to the door as Vegeta was coming out. "Hey, Vegeta! Here's your pizza!" He laughed nervously.

"Give me that!" Vegeta said, snagging it and giving him the money. "Now get out of here." He said, closing the door.

"Yeah, you don't have to tell me twice, on it!" He said, jumping back in the car, since I already opened the door for him.

"Drive! Drive! DRIVE!" I panicked.

"Holy shit, he's gonna be pissed." He said, slamming on the gas and driving off.

Back to now...

"And pissed he was." I said.

"Wow..." Nick said.

We continued on, killed more zombies and ran up the stairs. "Killing zombies gives me TOTAL wood!" Juliet said.

"That's a weird thing to say." Nick said.

"I agree with that." I said.

We went into another classroom, killed more zombies and blew up a door, which zombie cops burst out of and started shooting at us. "You have no respect for the badge! I'm gonna eff you up!" Juliet said.

"How are you gonna do that when you can't get close to them?" I said, popping out from cover and shooting at them with the Terminator mini-gun, killing them both.

"Now I hate you more than Carrot Top!" The girl cop said as she died.

"How dare you, Carrot Top is a brilliant comedic mind!" I said. We got through the next door and had to kill even more zombies. "Oh, the killing fun never ends!" I said, singing Richard's verses from LFG: This is War, which I highly recommend looking up on YouTube, it's hilarious.

"You're really singing in the middle of a fight?!" Nick demanded.

"Casting, stabbing and cursing~! Does it really matter why?!" I sang, throwing more fireballs at them, until I got impaled by what looked like some kind of spear. "Is there a spear in my chest?" I said angrily, then found the guy who threw it. "What you did was an error!" I said, saying error like "air-roar" and pulling the spear out, repeatedly stabbing him with it.

We finished them and suddenly the door opened and more poured in and some jumped out of lockers. "Oh, look! Assholes!" I said, killing many of them. "Oh, I'm having fun." I said.

The dude opened the door again, then immediately dropped it when the zombies were through. "Quit opening and closing the door, dude!" Juliet said annoyed. We killed that batch and finally it opened one last time to reveal a hazmat zombie. "Again and again with the door! It's irritating!" She said, cutting him up.

"I have a solution." I said, kicking the zombies head off. The next door opened and we slid through. We popped up in what looked like a Cafeteria and found an old man perched on the rail of a balcony, as we were on the second floor.

"Sensei!" Juliet said.

"Ah, Juliet! One moment, please!" He said, then jumped into the air, zombies spiraling all around him, then he started slicing his knives and cut them into pieces when he was done.

"Not impressed! I can do that, too!" I said.

"Hey, Irasshai!" He said in Japanese. Then he got a bio poster.

**Sushi Master, Junji Morikawa**

**Age:77**

**Hometown:**

**Tokyo, Japan**

**Favorite food:**

**Sea Urchin**

**Hobbies:**

**Karate,**

**The Kama Sutra,**

**Collecting Women's underwear**

"He'd get along well with Master Roshi." I thought.

"My teacher, Morikawa-sensei is the most amazing veteran zombie hunter ever!" She said.

"I don't know about that..." I said, remembering the time my father effortlessly sliced through an entire army of zombies with his katana and powers of darkness.

"It's true. I've studied the Zomboid Sciences for 40 years." He said, then laughed maniacally.

"Well, you do have that on my dad. He's only 45." I said.

"Listen! All of you! The school is in dire trouble! My research tells me something has gone wrong on a cosmic scale!" He said.

"That would be a problem." I said, a little surprised.

"That's a massive bummer." Juliet said sadly.

"...That Completely sucks." Nick said, somewhat indifferently.

"Let me show you!" He said, pulling out a map. "Our The Universe is composed of 3 dimensions: The Land Beyond Words, The Rotten World and our Dimension, Earth." He said.

"You may wanna check your metaphysics again, because I learned otherwise my first day of training with Bayonetta. Your not TOO far off, but there are 4 dimensions, none of which named like yours: Paradiso, Inferno, Purgatorio and The Human world." I said, showing him my own diagram.

"How dare you argue with my years of research! How long has your 'Bayonetta' known his information?!" He demanded.

" SHE has known this for... Over 520 years." I said.

This finally shocked him. "Well then, I'm sure she told you there are dimensional wall between each?" He asked.

"Very thin, but yes." I've said.

"Okay! Using a combination of Black Magic and explosives, someone cracked the gate between here and Rotten World-"

"Inferno!"

"The Gases of Inferno seeped out and transformed your student into our world, turning your fellow students into the Undead!" He said.

"Bayonetta, is this accurate or an old guy rambling on?" I asked her, having called her on my cell phone to listen to this, most of which she was apparently in side-splitting laughter over.

"It's not out of the question." She said, barely able to stifle her laughter.

"Well, whoever is behind this may be trying to open a permanent gate between here and Rotten world-"

"Inferno!" Bayonetta and myself both interrupted.

"WHICH! Would be catastrophic." He said.

"Indeed. I could only imagine how hard my life could be if the demons I have to work for can get out and stretch a little." She said.

"Technically speaking, couldn't you take them on? You did kill the god of creation." I said.

"Yes, but if I tried that, they'd drag me right down." She said.

"Back to me! Unfortunately, once they have become undead, there is no return! All we can do is clean up the school, stop the bomber and kill the undead! That is our mission!" He finished.

"Sounds like fun to me." I said.

"How ironic it's like your on vacation while you're working." She said.

"Feels good." I said.

"The bomber is either in the cafeteria downstairs or in the courtyard. You destroy the zombies in the cafeteria, I shall look in the courtyard!" He said, then looked back at us. "I'm counting on you 3! KILL THE MOTHERFUCKAS!" He shouted, jumping into the air and teleporting.

"Yes, sensei!" Juliet said as she and Nick jumped down.

"Well, sounds like you have your hands full." Bayonetta said.

"We, so I gotta go. By the way, I borrow Lt. Kilgore and Durga, bye." I said.

"Why you little-" She said, but then I hung up.

"It's time to let 'er rip!" I said, pulling out the claws and strapping to rocket launchers to my legs. I turned around to see the giant cake behind me, made of dynamite. "All of a sudden, the rocket launchers aren't such a great idea." I said, putting them away for later. Even without them we still kicked massive ass, killed the entire first wave of zombies and the fire zombies trying to touch the cake. "Well, that wasn't so bad. Could've done that with my eyes- Oh, shit." I said as more zombies on wheelbarrows were pushed in, followed by insane laughter.

We quickly got out as the school blew up and Morikawa was thrown at us right into... Juliet's boobs, causing her to shriek. We then saw someone standing on the statue in the middle of the courtyard, laughing maniacally. "Magna-genocide, baby!" He laughed. "There's nothing more hysterical to me than watching this world burn! This world, this government, this society made my life a hell! Well, now everyone is gonna know a life of hell FOREVER!" He laughed, then we got a bio poster.

**Goth Geek Bastard, Swan**

**Age: 18**

**Favorite Food: Pez**

**Hobbies:**

**Murder, planning world Domination**

**Fun Fact:**

**Practices broody faces in a mirror**

"Must be a revengeful nerd." I said, then stepped forward. "Can't let you do that, Swan." I said.

"Oh, what, you think you can stop me, punk?" He asked.

"You don't look that special. And even if you can stop me, there are countless other badasses that will stop you in my place. Hell, maybe even Batman could." I said.

"You don't like Batman, do you?" Nick asked.

"He's a pussy who never kills and an arrogant dick with a holier-than-thou attitude, so no." I said.

"He's the one! Planning to open the gate between here and rotten world!" Morikawa said.

"Inferno!" I called.

"Hey, I recognize that guy! He went to school with us! Why did you do this to my school?!" Juliet demanded.

"What, you didn't have time to clean out your locker, Juliet?" He asked in an arrogant tone.

"Hey, leave her alone! Wait until I get my hands on you, dude!" Nick said.

"You know, you can't blame the world and the government for what people did to you here. And there are plenty of better ways to handle it than this: talk to a therapist, ignore everything, my favored option, or suicide." I said. "Probably not that last one, though." I added.

"Shut up! Malicious Lords! I invoke your dark powers into declaring myself God of this realm!" He said, then chanted some words in Latin.

"Big Bang Attack!" I said, shooting at him, but some dark energy protected him.

"No!" Morikawa said, diving at him with his knives.

"For pony!" I said, flying along with him, but then a bunch of spheres came from the portal and began smacking us into the other ones. "Ow, he hit me-! Ow, he hit me, too!" I said before we were both knocked back to the ground... Well, I was, Morikawa was thrown into Juliet's boobs again. "Again?" I asked annoyed.

Then, they things in the bubbles began laughing. "This world makes me wanna puke!" One said that sounded like a girl. "You're the one who called us here?" She asked.

"Yeah, that's right! I'm your new master! And I demand that you initiate the pawns into the ritual and rot every living thing in this school along the way!" He said, to which they all laughed.

"I think I dig this kid! A real Fuckin' headcase!" The one in the red bubble said.

"How could you do this to Sensei-Morikawa?!" Juliet demanded.

"I'm gonna kick your asses for this!" Nick said.

"Save some for me." I said, getting back up.

"That smell? These three are zombie hunters!" One of them said.

"And among other things." I said.  
"Let the ritual commence! ZED!" Swan said, sending the red orb into the ground.

We all got ready, but then he appeared as a blood stain on the ground with his head out. "Let's play! PISS OFF!" He said, hitting us with giant letters, sending us flying.


	4. Punk Rock Must Die!

We finally landed after what felt like an hour in some kind of junk yard for cars. "Oh, hell!" Nick said. Looking further, we could see a stage where the zombie bastard who sent us flying was, screaming loud enough to hurt a deaf person's ears.

"SHUT THE HELL UP!" I shouted.

"**YEEEEEEAAAAAAAHHHHH! I'M PUNK ROCK ZOMBIE ZEEEEEEED! WELCOME TO THE MOSH PIT, YOU ZOMBIE HUNTING BITCHES!" **He shouted.

"I'll show him who's the bitch when I get down there!" I said, growling.

"Calm down, Sai! We need a plan of attack." Juliet said.

"I have a plan. Attack." I said, walking down through the path. Of course, I could easily fly down there, but I didn't want to reveal my full powers or leave them alone yet. They quickly caught up and, after dodging giant letters getting thrown at us, killed more zombies.

"That My Chemical Romance wannabe is destroying San Romero!" Juliet exclaimed.

"Oh, I love that song teenager, have you heard that?" Nick asked.

"I don't much care for it, myself." I said.

"That's not important right now, guys! We have to kill this guy! How's this for a catchphrase: I'M GOING TO KILL YOU. A LOT." She said in her best ominous tone, which was honestly less scary than my little sister.

"I think you could do better." Nick said.

"Just do what I do, either steal them from someone else or make it theme-based. Like I use fire, my catchphrases are fire-themed. Like: BURN, MOTHERFUCKER." I said in a creepy tone, scaring them both.

We stepped underneath a hanging car, but then he screamed like a dying cat again and knocked it down. "DODGE!" I said, tackling them out of the way. We continued on until we were blocked by a car and had to dodge letters while Juliet cut through the car.

"**I'LL RESTRING MY GUITAR WITH YOUR INTESTINES!" **He shouted.

"his voice is mega-irritating!" Juliet said.

Immediately after getting passed the car, a bunch of zombies showed up. **"HOW DO YOU LIKE THE SPOTLIGHT, SLAGS?!" **He demanded.

"Da fuq is a slag?" I asked. Regardless, we killed more zombies, dodged more fatal obstacles and finally got onto the stage. "Alright, Loudmouth. Where the hell are you?!" I said, looking around for him, but he wasn't anywhere. Suddenly I looked up just before he jumped down from the lights to try and impale Juliet and Nick. **"DODGE!" **I said, pushing them out of the way.

"**I'M GONNA CRUSH YOUR FACE!" **He shouted, slamming into the ground where we just were.

"If I do that to you, will it shut you the hell up?" I asked.

He screamed real loud at that point. **"YOUR ASSES ARE MIIIIINE! MMM, I LOVE THE SMELL OF ALMOST-DEAD ASSHOLES IN THE MORNING!" **He said.

"So, you like smelling yourself? Gross." I said.

We now see his bio poster:

**Punk Rock Zombie ZED!**

**Influences:**

**The Misfits,**

**Black Flag,**

**Torturing small animals**

"Torturing small animals?!" Juliet said, pushing it out of the way. "What kind of whack-job waterboards Chip and Dale?! That makes guyliner here like the most uncoolest dude ever!" She said, tossing a lollipop into the air.

We got ready to fight, but he rushed in quickly and swung his microphone staff thing at us. I ducked, but he hit Juliet and Nick, knocking them down into the crowd of zombies. I slammed my fist into Zed's stomach and sent him flying back. "Looks like it's just you and me now, dickhead." I said, pulling out a small knife and tossing it from hand to hand. "Let's dance, Asshole." I taunted.

"**BRING IT, BITCH! WHEN I'M DONE WITH YOU, YOU'RE GONNA PISS YOUR PANTS-!" **He started, but then I punched him in the face. **"OW, YOU LITTLE BASTARD! YOU PUNCHED ME IN THE FA-!" **He started, before I punched him again. **"OW, YOU DID IT AGAIN, YOU DOUCHBAG-!" **I punched him again. **"OW! STOP IT! STOP IT-!" **I punched him again. **"PISS!" **He shouted, knocking down the stage lights above us, which smashed him in the face. **"GODDAMMIT! WHAT DID MARISKA SAY TO DO IN THIS SITUATION?!" **He said, trying to remember.

Flashback...

Some zombie hippie girl was talking to Zed, teaching him what to do if things go wrong. "Zed, if you ever find yourself being punched repeatedly in the face, always remember to-"

End Flashback...

While he was daydreaming, I punched him in the face again. **"OW! YOU CUT OFF MARISKA!" **He shouted, attacking wildly while I practically danced around him.

Juliet and Nick, now finished with the crowd of zombies, turned to watch the fight between us and how I was toying with Zed. "Whoa! That's one of the Dark Purveyors, the strongest zombies out there and he's toying with him! I can only wonder what type of crazy mental discipline Sai has gone through." She said.

"Can you blow my whistle, baby~ Whistle baby, let me know~ I'm gonna show you how to do it and we'll start real slow~ You just put your lips together and you come real close! Can you blow my whistle, baby~ whistle, baby~ HERE WE GO!" I sang (Flo Rida's Whistle), kicking him in the face during the big parts of the song like "Let me know, start real sow, come real close and here we go", then I pulled out my staff and got ready to charge, like in Injustice: Gods Among Us when they clash.

"**YOU'RE DEAD, BITCH!" **He shouted.

"Which one of us here is decomposing?" I taunted, then we rushed at each other. I blocked his strike with my staff and smirked, shooting him in the head. I then pulled out Sparda and sliced him almost in half, stopping at his hip, but then he pushed himself back together. **"YOU THINK THAT HURTS ME?! I JUST JIZZED A LITTLE!" **He taunted.

"Unsurprisingly, I wanna kill you even more now! You're an annoying prick who's as dumb and foul-mouthed as DINO and uglier than Baraka! And that motherfucka UGLY. Looking in his face is like reliving a nightmare EVERY goddamn night, but you're even uglier than that!" I said.

Later, Baraka sees this on the news. "Aww, Sai! You really gon' do me like 'dat, Sai?!" He demanded.

Back with us, Zed screamed again and made a speakers from the sky to fall all around and jumped on them. **"HA! NO WAY YOU'RE GETTING ME NOW, YOU LITTLE PRICK! I'VE GOT AAAALLL THESE SPEAKERS TO JUMP TO AND EVEN IF YOU BREAK THEM, I CAN JUST MAKE MORE." **He said.

"Fine, then, I'll just do something like this." I said, releasing a massive ring of fire from my body that only grew larger and destroyed all the speakers.

Unfortunately, he made a giant speaker to jump onto in place of all the others. **"YEAH! WHAT DO YOU GOT TO SAY ABOUT THAT MOTHERFUCKER?!" **He taunted.

I deadpanned for a moment, looked at the speaker, touched it with one hand and blew it up by frying the circuits. He fell and I quickly pulled out Sparda and turned it into a scythe again, swinging it, but due to the distance between us, I couldn't slice him completely in half, but almost.

"**Oh, that one... Actually hurt a little bit, dick!" **He said, weakly.

"Don't take this ass-whippin' personally, Zed. It's just I'm better than you." I said.

"**DIE, DIE, DIE!" **He said, rushing in with a move that looked like Dante's stinger, but I casually jumped onto his staff and took a stance that looked like Burter's in the Ginyu Force, then with the leg I wasn't standing on, since this was kind of a crane stance, anyway, threw a kick to his face, knocking him down.

"You know, for one of the main bosses, this is pathetic. I didn't even have to go Super Saiyan for this." I said, brushing my knuckles on my lapel.

"**THAT DOES IT! TAKE THIS!" **He shouted, throwing two destructo discs from his Mohawk.

"Oh, you totally stole that from Krillin!" I said. I rushed in and threw a badass combo with the knife I had earlier, then sensed the destructo discs coming back from behind me, so like in that one movie I think might have been The Matrix, I leaned back to dodge them like how the dude dodged the bullets in slow-motion, causing them to slice Zed in half. "Just like Frieza. Gotta learn to watch for your own attack." I said, blocking my ears while he was screaming.

"**OHHHHH! I'M NOT DONE SCREAMING YET! OH, THIS REALLY FUCKIN' HURTS, MAN!" **he shouted, screaming more.

"Jesus Christ, will you shut up!" I said, frying him and turning him to ashes.

A portal of darkness appeared and whatever was left of him was drawn back into it. **"MEUS VITA, REGE, PRO NEFARIO COEPTO." **He uttered, finally fading from this world.

"Yippee Ki yay, motherfucker." I said, taking a bite of a Slim Jim.

"Sai! You did it!" Morikawa said, limping onto the stage, collapsing.

"Oh, shit, you okay?" I said, rushing over.

"Sensei!" Juliet said, also rushing up and holding him.

"Mr. Morikawa." Nick said sadly, walking up and crouching beside him.

"You managed to purify... One of the Dark Purveyors." He said.

"Easier than I expected, too." I said.

"Look at this." He said, pulling out a map, then spit blood onto it.

"Gross." I said.

"Zed was only the weakest of the Dark Purveyors." He said.

"He better be if it was that easy." I said.

"The other four are still here, rotting the school." He said as the bloodstains took form of the other purveyors in different areas.

"Oh, look at that." I said, impressed.

"By now they've probably transformed all your fellow students into the undead." He said.

"Oh, that sucks." I said.

"The school is probably filled with zombies." He said.

"Woo-hoo! More shit to kill!" I cheered.

He then coughed violently, desperately trying to remain in this world. "Sensei!" Juliet said, holding him again.

"Mr. Morikawa." Nick said, concerned.

"Damn, are you okay?" I asked, looking in my pockets for vital stars or something I could heal him with. First I pulled out a rubber chicken. "Nope!" I said, throwing it over my shoulder. Next, I found a bunch of sticks of dynamite wired together. "Uh-uh." I said, tossing it over my shoulder, followed by an explosion. I tried again, but found a buzz saw instead. "Nope." I said, tossing it over my shoulder.

"My leg!" Some poor victim cried out in pain.

"Juliet, Sai, Nick... I have faith... You can stop them... All humans must die... As I must now, too." He said, fading from this world.

"Sensei, no, don't leave!" Juliet pleaded, trying to revive him as I put my fist to my heart and bowed my head in respect.

Suddenly he perked back up, completely okay. "Oh, I have this for you, Juliet." He said, giving her a box wrapped with a cute pink bow. "Happy birthday, Juliet. You were always my favorite pupil." He said, then dropped dead with a lot loss drama and effect than last time.

"Sensei!" Juliet mourned.

"No offense, but I liked the first death better. More dramatic and emotional." I said.

Suddenly, a giant elevator fell from the sky and two angels came down to claim him.

"Angels!" I said, pulling out a rocket launcher.

But at that moment, his soul came out of his body and walked into the elevator, turning around and giving a thumb's up before the doors closed and the angels carried him up to the pearly gates as we all waved. "Don't worry, we can always bring him back with the dragon balls later." I said.

"The dragon's what?" They both asked at the same time.

"The dragon balls. You know, there are 7 of them? They grant you any wish you want, like bringing someone back to life, or immortality." I said.

"Or Bulma's panties." Oolong said, popping up from nowhere, then disappearing just as easily.

"I see." Juliet said, then opened her present, which magically attached a motorcycle motor to her chainsaw. "Oh, my gosh! Thanks, Sensei!" She said. "CHAINSAW DASH!" She announced, winking.

"Now that's a sweet ride!" Nick said.


	5. Sports, girlfriends, sisters and Vikings

We reached the athletics area of the school now when Nick had to stop us. "Juliet, Sai? I don't think I can do this." He said.

"What, do you want MORE WEAPONS? I'm not giving you Nevan." I said, holding the demon guitar protectively.

Back at DMC...

Dante was holding a party over their latest success on a big mission, then he decided to play some songs on Nevan. He went to where he keeps it, only to find the guitar was gone. "Goddammit, Sai!" He shouted.

Back to us...

"It's just. The odds here are crazy and I don't think I can take them." He said.

"That's why we're here, Nick! Sai and I will help you whenever you need it!" Juliet said happily.

"Yeah, but what if you guys can't get to me in time?" He asks.

"Oh, complain, complain. Like Trish when it's her time of the month. Here." I said, tossing him a bunch of random pokeballs from my coat pocket.

"You have Pokemon?" He asked.

"Yeah, tons." I said.

"What's your favorite type?" She asked.

"Badass types." I said. Suddenly she deadpanned and gave me a nasty look. "Oh, you mean the element type. Fire, Dark, Dragon and Ghost types. I'll use any type, but they gotta be big and badass." I said.

"Okay, I'll save those for later." Nick said, putting them away. Suddenly, a drop of blood landed on his cheek. "Is that rain?" He asked.

"Nope." I said, then looked up to see a giant-ass flying viking ship. "Oh dear..." I said. We all looked up to see the Viking ship and lightning blasting around it.

"Hello, Skrealings!" The Dark Purveyor said from his stand, sounding like he was playing the drums. Looking at the ship, I could faintly see some gears and stuff, indicating it was run by machines instead of men. Er, zombies. I heard a bear growl before he spoke again. "Lot's of tasty treats for you here, eh, Yumil?" He asked. Suddenly, he laughed maniacally and started playing his drums quicker, causing lightning to strike down at us.

"DOOOOOODGE!" I shouted, tackling Nick out of the way as Juliet skill fully dodged all the attacks.

"I'm guessing a giant floating Viking ship IS NOT a good thing?" Nick asked as we regrouped.

"Another Dark Purveyor!" Juliet said, then gasped as she noticed something. "Oh my gosh! That's my big sister, Cordelia!" She said, pointing to the person on the back of the boat.

"Who?" We both asked.

"My big sister, Cordelia! She's a zombie hunter, too." She said.

"Oh, cool. Hey, I just noticed, you and your sister are both named after Shakespeare characters. Then again, most of my siblings have a type of weapon in their name: My older sister's full name is Katana Shuriken Blade, my brother is Lance Naginata (a sword on the end of a staff) Blade and my full name is Sai Kunai Blade." I said.

"Huh. Your family takes the whole ninja thing seriously, huh?" Nick asked.

"You got something against ninja tradition?" I asked, glaring at him.

"HEEEY, CORDELIA! CAAAN YOU HEAR ME!?" She called out.

"You do realize you're giving away her position, right?" I said.

She suddenly turned around and waved to us. "HEEY! WHAT'S UP, JULIET!?" She called.

"Oi. I don't think you could be any less subtle than that." I said. Suddenly, somewhere above on the ship was blown up and a familiar figure with a bazooka jumped over the edge and fired her bayonet into the side of the ship, right next to Cordelia, reeling herself in towards the older zombie hunter (I'm gonna say Lady's somewhere in her teen years, since she wears a schoolgirl uniform). "No way! That's my girl, Lady! HEY, BABY!" I called.

She merely turned around and smiled, blowing a kiss.

"Her name is Lady?" Juliet asked.

"Long, complicated, I'll admit. In short, her father gave her her name, killed her beloved mother, she hated everything about him, denounced her birth name, killed her father and took up the nickname Dante gave her: Lady." I explained.

"Oh." Nick said.

We now get a bio picture for Cordelia as she solutes.

**Cordelia Starling**

**Age: 20**

**Favorite weapon:**

**L115A3 long range rifle**

**turn-ons:**

**Guns, quesadillas, bullet wounds in her enemies**

**turn-offs:**

**Talking in move theaters, the color blue, sea monsters**

"Huh. I don't think she'd get along well with my brother. Blue is his favorite color, especially the darker shades." I said.

"Hey, Cordelia? What's up?" Nick asked.

"You know, you weren't screaming half as loud as you'd need to for her to hear." I said.

"SEE YOU IN A FEW! RIGHT NOW, I'M GONNA GO KICK SOME ZOMBIE ASS!" She shouted.

"I like this chick." I said.

"Chick?" Juliet said, putting the chainsaw to my throat.

"I mean... 'Your sister is a very interesting person who I'd like to become acquainted (knew I wasn't gonna spell that right. Pro for spell-check) with.'" I said.

"GOOD LUCK, SAI! AND BE CAREFUL! LOOKS LIKE A WARZONE UP AHEAD!" Lady called.

"THANK, BABE!" I shouted.

Suddenly, Cordelia looked like she remembered something. "OH, YEAH! I ALMOST FORGOT!" She said, tossing a present like Morikawa's down, with a parachute. Sounded like she said something else, but I couldn't hear.

"CAAN'T HEAR YOU!" She shouted.

"I SAID, **HAPPY BIRTHDAY!" **She shouted before finally leaving earshot.

"I'm almost ready to piss myself." Nick said uneasily.

"Do me a favor and hold that in. I don't wanna be around you when you smell like piss and I can smell something like that from like 100 feet away." I said.

A zombie football team awaited us not too far away. "Ten hut, ten butt fuck!" The leader said before lightning struck a tree and made if it fall, blocking the path.

"Yeah, I'mma pretend I didn't hear that." I said.

"How do we get around now?" Nick asked.

Suddenly, Juliet noticed a ramp that could get us around. "Check out my new trick, guys! It's called the Chainsaw dash!" She said, driving the chainsaw with the motor and easily making the jump.

"Well, how are we gonna make that jump?" Nick asked.

"Well, I'm gonna do it with my ninja speed!" I said, running the traditional ninja style, leaning forward, running on the balls of my feet, easily. "Ninja speed~! Ninja speed~! I think your jealous of my ninja speed~!" I said in sing-song (Watch Two Saiyans Play Worms, you'll know where that came from).

"How do I get across?!" He asked.

"Use the force! …. Of whichever Pokemon I gave you!" I shouted.

"Oh, yeah." He said, releasing my Rampardos.

"Oh, yeah, that might not've been the best one to get." I said, watching to see what would happen and how badly Nick would need to be hospitalized. "You should run now." I told him.

"Oh, shit!" He said, running as it started to charge. Luckily, however, it caught him, but did not destroy him, but flipped him on its back and barreled the right way.

"Told you. Best pokemon ever." I said.

"Yeah, good boy." Nick said, rubbing its side. "Hey, can I keep it when this is all over?" He asked.

"No." I said without missing a beat.

We continued on and encountered the team from before and started laying waste to them. I used my NINJA SKILLS! To be the living shit out of the zombies in hand-to-hand combat, Juliet used her new Chainsaw Dash to either run them over, slice them in half or somehow become a tornado and send them all flying and Nick was just a lazy bastard and let MY Rampardos do all the work, burning the zombies with flamethrower or shattering their skulls with Zen Headbutt.

"So where to now? He asked.

"Most importantly, I wanna find my birthday present my sister dropped! Secondly, I wanna save my sister's life!" Juliet said in her usual optimistic tone.

"Well, you have your priorities straight." I said.

"I know, yay! Let's get to the roof of the school and find that floaty boat!"She said.

"Isn't it weird how school's have roof access? I mean, with all the teen suicides you hear about these days, you'd think they'd keep kids OFF the roof." I said.

"Man, you have a dark way of thinking." Nick said.

"You get used to it." I said.

Suddenly, a car exploded and provided us with a new path to go down. "Explosions are such a cliche`!" Juliet said.

"Yeah, but they're fun when they destroy your enemies or you caused them." I said, remembering the last time I blew up a Twilight convention. "Good times." I said reminiscently.

We now encountered even more football zombies. "Aw, man, our quarterback's a zombie!" Juliet said, disappointed.

"Kill him anyway!" Nick said.

"Yay, more killing!" I said, cutting them down.

"You undead a-holes are a disgrace to the San Romero football uniform!" She shouted angrily, killing them. "So, hey, if you have a bunch of Pokemon, why don't you just get a big, flying one that can get us through here faster?" She asked.

"It's too convenient for the plot. Not a bad idea, though. That's why I skim the non-important stuff." I said.

Suddenly, the baseball team showed up, but I killed them to with ninja skills! "Like that." I said.

A firetruck suddenly came from nowhere and smashed into a bus, leaving room for us to jump on a red school bus and ramp to the school, which was blocked off by more vehicles. "I hate it when everyone turns into zombies, but it's also kinda fun because I get to do things like jump on a fire truck!" Juliet said happily.

"Ha ha! It is fun! It makes me forget most of my friends are dead!" Nick laughed, although I couldn't tell if he was being sarcastic or not.

"Gotta think positive!" I said.

We rushed through and finally got into the school. "Be careful, guys, this place is falling apart!" Nick warned.

"Not worried." I said. Suddenly, we saw a guy get yanked around a corner by zombies. "That concerns me." I said. We quickly found him about to be killed by 3 firefighter zombies.

"You're gonna be fine, ma'am!" The leader said.

"Hey, firefighters! Fight this!" I said, drawing all the nearby fire to me to make a huge fireball and blast them into a wall, smashing their heads into it. "Let's see Batman do THAT." I smirked.

"I need a girlfriend." The dude said as he gave us the money and disappeared.

"Yeah, that would help." I said.

Juliet cut open a door and kicked it down at that moment. "What's your favorite color, Nick?" She asked.

"Blue. No, green." He said.

"Awesome! I love learning about you!" She said.

"I fucked up, it's yellow." He said.

"You know, that sounds familiar from somewhere." I thought.

We killed more zombies and cut through another door. "Do you wanna have babies some day, Nick?" She asked.

"Well, maybe, I don't know." He said.

"I'm starting to feel like the third wheel, here." I said. We ran through the halls, killed more zombies and I used a fireball to break down a red door Juliet can't cut through. "Ninja for the win!" I said.

"Good job, Sai!" Juliet congratulated.

"Yeah, good work." Nick said.

We ran up the stairs again at this point. "So how long have you been a zombie hunter?" Nick asked.

"Forever. I killed my first zombie at 6 months old. With a sharpened rattle!" She said.

"I can top that! Killed a street thug at a week old with a toy shuriken. In your face!" I said.

"Well, I probably killed like 50 zombies by the time that happened!" She said.

"Obviously, you're a year older than me." I countered.

We continued on, killed a room full of firefighter zombies and noticed the present. "That's the parachute from Cordelia's present!" She said, jumping out the window.

"Oh, more windows to jump out of." I said, diving out.

"Right behind you." Nick said, climbing out with some difficulty.

We found another ramp and powered down it once again. We jumped over 2 more before the lightning started shooting all around us. "Juliet, you have to be careful!" Nick told her.

"Lucky you, Rampardos is a Rock type so the lightning can't electrocute him or you." I said.

We continued on over multiple ramps until we came across a huge gap. "You may wanna find something else, Nick. I know Rampardos can't make that jump." I told him.

"Make up your mind, is he good for this situation or not?" He asked.

"Not when making GTA stunt jumps, no." I said.

"I'll show you another trick Sensei taught me, guys. It's called the 'Big Jump.'" She said.

"I wonder why?" I said.

Nick rummaged around in his pockets for a while for the other pokeballs until he finally grabbed one and released my Aerodactyl. "You should be fine as long as he's not hungry." I taunted. Suddenly, it took off at break-neck speed, almost throwing Nick off. "I guess not." I said.

"If that thing hurts him..." Juliet growled.

"Heeey! It's not an 'it.' He's a living creature with feelings: a he." I said, dashing and effortlessly making the big jump, even throwing in a couple of spins and twists. "Naturally." I said, taking a stylish stance.

Juliet landed next to us after Nick crashed and I withdrew the flying terror. "Yeah, maybe I should hang on to that one." I said, putting it in one of my pockets.

Suddenly we realized where we were. "Fuck..." We all said.

"Zombie basketball! Time your killing of zombies! How many points can you rack up?" Swan asked over the loudspeaker.

We were killing zombies left and right until a big-ass black zombie came from nowhere. "Oh my gods, Shaq?!" I questioned before he hit me in the face and sent me across the field. "Oh, goddamn, that bitch has a right hook!" I said, rolling back onto my feet and rushing forward, cutting his head off. With him gone, we had enough time to kill the required amount before another one just like him showed up. We continued on, did more dashing and came across a moderate jump, but nothing as bad as the Big Jump, so Nick and Rampardos could make it. But when we reached the building after the jump, it shook violently.

"They're trying to drop a building on us!" Nick said.

"So rude!" Juliet said.

"We have to get the hell out of here!" I shouted.

We managed to get out of there and get to the edge of the next walkway, but me and Nick stopped as Juliet went over.

"What now, another crazy-ass pokemon?" Nick said.

"Hey, they don't do this with me, they must not like you. And no, I have a better solution for this." I said, pulling out a Portal gun. I shot the ceiling of the room Juliet dashed into by going through the window, then shot directly underneath Nick's feet.

"Holy shit!" He screamed.

Whee..." I said as I jumped in.

"You crazy bastard!" He snapped.

"I got you over with less injury than the pokemon, didn't I?" I asked, being a smartass.

"Let's take a shower together!" a Zombie said, running on the treadmill.

"Hey, zombies aren't supposed to run! They're supposed to be slow as fuck!" I criticized. At that moment, it tripped and fell down, then was thrown off of the machine.

"Running zombies? Haha! How fucking stupid." Nick laughed, shooting another one still on a treadmill.

"Yeah, what kind of idiot would come up with that?! Haha!" Juliet giggled.

We killed the rest of the zombies in the room until a fat old lady zombie crashed through the roof, spinning around like a spaz, knocking down the exercise bikes. "Where are my beautiful grandchildren?" She asked.

"What the fuck?!" Nick asked.

"We probably killed them." I told her.

"How dare you!" She said, attacking.

"I dare like this." I said, pulling out a double-barrel shotgun, putting it up to her face and, after a dramatic pause, pulled both triggers and blew her head to kingdom come.

"I'm daying! And really fat!" She said.

"What the dick is going on with all this crazy stuff?!" Juliet demanded.

"What the dick?" Nick and I asked at the same time.

"It's my new phrase, you like it?" She asked.

"Not really." I said.

"Keep trying." Nick said.

We continued on literally a minute before running into more zombies. This time, they were cheerleaders. "Go die, zombie scum! Ready? Okay! Undead, we slay! You all suck and we are great! D-D-Decapitate! U.G.L.Y. Wake up! It's time to die!" They cheered.

"Oh, man, my squad has joined the zombies!" Juliet said sadly.

"Oh, man, Agnes used to be so hot. Now she's got an intestine coming out of her vagina, ugh." Nick said in disgust.

"Ew..." I said, grossed out. I looked at Juliet to see both her sadness and hesitation. "Let me take care of this, Juliet." I said, walking up behind each zombie with a giant set of hedge trimmers and, to put it mildly, turned them into head trimmers. "All done with the lawn work." I said, tossing the trimmers over my shoulder, causing a large crash and a cat to yowl.

Suddenly, a barrel on top of a vaulting box exploded, leaving the box open for access. "Holy, we better get out of here!" Nick said.

"Yeah. It was sad seeing my friends get killed, though." Juliet said.

"Sorry, but you heard Morikawa," I said, clearing my throat. "Unfortunately, once they have become undead, there is no return!" I said, perfectly impersonating his voice. I can do that pretty good. I take pride in my impressions of Sephiroth, Scorpion and Freddy Kreuger (The Anthony Hopkins version).

"That was pretty good!" Juliet said, jumping on the vaulting box, doing a bunch of tricks and landing stylishly on the upper level.

"Yeah, you could get somewhere with that." Nick said, jumping onto the box and up to the ledge, grabbing onto it and pulling himself up.

"I can also get somewhere with my NINJA SKILLS!" I said, jumping and spiraling in the air, landing perfectly on the upper walkway in front of them. We continued on until Juliet got another phone call. "Again?" I asked.

"Be patient!" She scolded, stabbing her chainsaw into the ground and answering her phone.

"Juliet? It's Cordelia. Just a tip, sis, but you're moving around too much as you hunt zombies. From a distance, use your homing attack. When they get close, rush in for the kill. It's kinda common hunter knowledge, but you know..." She said, then Juliet hung up.

"UGH! I hate it when she always tells me what to do!" Juliet said angrily.

"I know, my sister Katana is the same way. Slit his throat, don't stab him. Too loud, be totally silent! The shurikens aren't working, use your blow gun. Blah, blah, blah." I said. We made another dash jump, then found our path was blocked.

Then, three football zombies jumped up to attack us. "Down, set, hut!" They said. Then they charged.

"Time for a barbecue!" I said, putting in nose plugs, then let out a huge stream of fire, roasting them to skeletons before they ever got close. Then I threw a new type of fire attack I've been working on, a fire shuriken, about 5 feet in diameter. I threw it at the barrels blocking our path, blowing them up easily.

"Wow, Sai, that was hot!" Juliet said jokingly.

"Just keep in mind, I got a lady." I said.

"And Juliet's mine!" Nick said angrily.

Then we cleared another big jump and Nick fell through more portals. We landed on a rooftop with lightning striking all around us. "They're right that lightning doesn't strike twice. It strikes like 18 times!" Nick complained.

We dashed along the roofs more and came to a part of the roof that was blocked and more firefighter zombies jumped down at us. "More firefighters to the rescue! We'll rescue everyone!" The leader said.

"You're not rescuing, you're killing." I said, attacking the ones up front.  
"You know, I feel like singing 'It's raining men.'" Nick said.

"Awkward." I said.

"Haha! That would be funny, Nick! TIME TO KILL THESE EFFERS!" Juliet shouted.

We killed all of them and did a team-up move we were working on where, with one of my arms as a katana blade, we swipe at opposite sides of the enemy's neck and cut it off in a scissor motion, to kill the leader. "I can't get this Katy Perry song out of my head! What a horrible way to die!" He said before dying.

"I like Katy Perry." I said in an annoyed tone.

We continued along and saw Juliet's present not too far away. "Yay! My present! What do you think it is, guys?!" She asked excitedly.

"Something to keep the zombies away from us." Nick said.

"Something very destructive." I said.

We quickly got to the present and grabbed onto it. Well, to be more accurate, Juliet and Nick were ahead of me and grabbed it, so when I jumped and went to grab it, there was no more room, so I had to cling to Juliet's waist. "Watch where your hands are, dude!" Nick warned.

"I know. I've got a girlfriend. Besides, I have more respect than that." I said. Unfortunately, shortly after I said that, my weight caused Juliet's belt come undone, causing me, along with her skirt, plummeting to the ground. "Ow." I said upon hitting the ground, although I didn't actually care, since the damage would heal in a few seconds. I grabbed the skirt and walked back to them, returning it to Juliet and putting my hands up in surrender. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean to do that, but you DON'T want to hurt me! You don't have to hurt me either" I told her, backing away as she put the skirt back on and revved up the chainsaw and Nick pulled out the Uzis. "DON'T KILL ME WITH MY OWN GUNS!" I pleaded.

At that moment, the box opened and Juliet's chainsaw was modified into what looked like a grenade launcher. "Oh, I can't wait for you to shoot the fuck out of stuff with this!" Nick said.

"Yeah, that looks like it'll kick ass!" I agreed, looking at the weapon in awe.

"Wow, Cordelia's like the best big sister EVER!" She said.

"Chainsaw Blaster!" We all announced at the same time.

"I'm in a better mood. You'll get away with that this time." She said.

"Like I planned for that." I said sarcastically.

We all took a step, preparing to leave when... "Zombie Baseball! Aim and shoot at the approaching zombies! Can you score a winning Home Run? The game starts by the home team losing by an overwhelming amount of runs!" Swan said over the intercom.

"Let's give my new present a test run!" Juliet said.

"That's a good idea." I said almost evilly.

A zombie rose up from the ground, only for his head to be instantly blown off by the blaster. "Ha! You shot him instead of throwing a ball at him! That's hilarious!" Nick laughed.

I rummaged through my pockets to look for something to help shoot with, but all I had was the shotgun from before. "Damn, me and my incompetent pockets! I need a better gun!" I said angrily. Then I remembered something. "Oh, yeah, that's right." I said, pulling out the light machine gun I stole from Tallahassee. "Time to nut up or shut up." I said in a southern accent, loading the zombies up with bullets.

"Bottom of the Ninth: Juliet Starling, Nick Carlyle and Sai Blade at bat."She said.

"Looks like they wanna play ball!" Juliet said.

"Nick, you feel like running? I'm having too much fun shooting." I said.  
"Yeah, I could do this all day." He said, making it to first base and stopping for literally a minute to celebrate, despite the fact a bunch of zombies were trying to get him.

"You'll have time to celebrate when you score us a point!" I snapped.

"He can do what he wants." Juliet said in an annoyed tone. Regardless, we still got the points we required and painted the field a lovely shade of red.

"I could do this all day, but I think we'd better move on!" Nick said.

"Yeah, I guess we should find my sister." Juliet said.

"And Lady." I added.

"I think the ship went over to the school's unrealistically gigantic swimming pool." Nick said.

"Never really been a fan of swimming. I CAN, but I die in the water after about 10 minutes." I said. "Takes SOME fun out of life, but what can you do?" I said. We continued on until Juliet got another phone call. "Can't you let this one go to voicemail?" I asked.

"Don't be an impatient brat." Juliet said, answering the phone.

"Juliet? Mom. Can you believe Cordelia wants to buy a motorcycle?" Her mom said over the other line.

"Who doesn't?" I asked.

"There's no way. Those things are deathtraps. It's bad enough your dad has one and the same goes for you!" She said before Juliet hung up.

"Does your Mom ever have anything useful to say?" I asked.

"Does yours?" She asked with an attitude. I think she was still mad about the skirt thing.

"Of course my Mom has useful stuff to say: Be careful, stick to the shadows, killing people quickly so they can't warn their allies, leave no survivors." I said.

We continued into the pool room and quickly spotted Cordelia, Lady walking up out of the shadows not too far away.

"Cordelia!" Juliet said happily, jumping and waving to her sister.

"Hey, baby, what's up?" I said, embracing Lady and giving her a quick kiss.

"Not much. Just having a bit of excitement with the zombies. And Cordelia." She said as Cordelia jumped down.

"Yeah. She makes an interesting partner. You'd never think a bazooka and a sniper rifle would be good weapons together." Cordelia said.

"So, what;s the story?" I asked, looking at the boat.

"We hit the big guy a few times, but we couldn't kill him." Lady said.

"That's fine. I needed to kill another boss character after the fight with Zed." I said.

"Yeah. By the way, cute boyfriend, Juliet." Cordelia said, looking at Nick.

"Thanks!" She said happily.

"I think we should be focused on the task at hand, or else-" I said, getting cut off by a cannonball through the stomach from behind."See?" I asked as the boat took off,

"Baebae, Skrealings! Onward to further victory!" The zombie boss said as we cleared a safe distance.

"It'll be further defeat when I get up there." I snarled.

"Juliet! Execute maneuver 54V!" Cordelia ordered.

"Right!" Juliet said, running at top speeds towards her sister and onto her hands.

"1,2,3!" They both counted as Cordelia launched her little sister towards the ship.

"Good luck, sis!" She called.

"Lady! Operation: Rocket surf!" I said, jumping away from her, towards Nick.

"You got it." She said, firing at me. I grabbed Nick and jumped onto the rocket, turning it to sail onto the boat. "Good luck, babe!" She called.

Juliet landed perfectly on the boat, I flew on, dropped Nick and sailed towards the Viking zombie boss and then flipped off the rocket as it crashed into him and destroyed his drum stand, landing on my feet in a ninja pose next to my allies "Well if it isn't the pirates of the Jerk-off-ian!" Juliet said.

"That was a little better." I said.

"You've got a lot of gall setting foot on me ship, Stelpa!" He said, glaring at her, then turned to me. "And how dare you destroy my drums!" He said, growling.

"I usually dare like this." I said, disappearing, reappearing right in front of him and blasting him in the face with the double-barrel shotgun again, then returned to Juliet and Nick.

"Now you die!" He said, jumping down, landing right in front of us, then raised his battle ax, ordering the rest of his zombie crew to attack us.

"I'll take the meat, you take the potatoes." I said, pointing to the boss when I said the meat and the underlings when I said the potatoes.

"Fine. I could use a lighter meal." Juliet said as her and Nick rushed in.

"Alright, then! Yumil, let's show him the viking way!" He laughed as his bio poster showed up.

**Viking Metal Zombie Vikke Yumil**

**Influences: Favorite food: You**

**Bathory, Hobbies: Disemboweling, drinking blood, balancing a ball on his nose **

**Enslaved,**

**Necrophilia**

I then burned the bio poster and took a fighting stance. "An obsolete race with predictable tactics. The ninja is all about surprise. You'll never see me coming." I told him.

"We are vikings, short and stout! We like to drink and fuck, fuck, fuck!" He sang, charging at me.

"And I'm a ninja." I said, using Mileena's ball roll to knock him off his feet. "We~ Know ancient stuff~ And we have fun~ Fucking things up~" I sang (look up Ninja of the night). I pulled out dozens of sais as he got up and when he turned around, I threw them all into his face.

"Now, you die, ninja coward! Vikings fight with honor! Not cheap tricks!" He said, trying to smash me with his ax, which I caught, but he was strong. It was hard to push him back.

"In a fair fight, the odds are usually 50/50. If you want a guaranteed win, don't play fair." I said, powering up to Super Saiyan, easily throwing him back, smirking at my extra power and the fire surrounding me.

"Dye your hair red and light yourself on fire if you want. You can still never defeat a warrior!" He shouted.

"Bitch, you just jealous o' mah Supah Saiyan Swagger." I said, pointing at him. I rushed in and easily overwhelmed him with a lightning-fast combo and then, ninja style, sliced him in half at the waist with my middle and index finger. "Strider Hiryu ain't got shit on me." I said in a badass tone. "Cut people in half with his bare hand. I only need two fingers." I said.

"You've got a lot of gall little boy." Vikke said as suddenly, his top half levitated back up and floated next to his lower body.

"Well, that's new. HOAH!" I shouted, doing Cage's Nut Punch and smashing his crotch, making both halves of his body react in pain and literally destroying his lower body. I then did a Tatsumaki Senpukyaku to kick him in the face a few times and knock him into a state of dizziness. "Now it's over!" I said, cutting his head off in the same fashion as Juliet killed the last zombie.

"Not bad. You've got some good moves." Juliet said, walking back.

Suddenly, his head rose back up, now massive. "I feel the power of the gods in me blood!" He said, breathing in and eating the two halves of his body, then screaming. He then flew away and charged up an attack from his mouth.

"Oh, this can't be good. What was that attack Nappa taught me?" I said, stopping to think for a moment. "Oh, I remember! I'MMA FIRIN' MAH LAZOR!" I said, charging up and firing the Break Cannon (Nappa's "ultimate attack", where he fires a huge ki blast from his mouth) and locking with the blast he was firing. The power struggle only lasted for a mere second, mine easily overpowering him. "Thank you, Nappa." I said.

"No problem." Ghost Nappa said, appearing beside me.

"SHUT UP, GHOST OF NAPPA!" I said.

"You will die, ninja!" Vikke said, flying back towards me.

"Only if you can beat my NINJA SKILLS!" I said, rushing at him and throwing a round kick, knocking him into the bow of the ship, then flying and, once again with my two fingers, cut into one side of his mouth and out the other in a V shape, cutting off his head. "The Vendetta of the virtuous has vivisected the Viking." I said in a voice like V.

"Impossible! I can't be beaten by a cowardly ninja! I'm a warrior!" He shouted in disbelief.

"I guess ninjas are better warrior." I smirked, going back to my normal form.

"You can turn off the red head?" Nick asked.

"It's my Super Saiyan mode. I just use fire, not ki, so I go red, not blonde." I explained. Suddenly, Yumil popped out of what was left of Vikke's mouth and flew right at me. "Sharingan!" I said as a joke, although I did turn my eyes red again and punched straight into his mouth, smashing a hole through the back of his head.

"Style!" Juliet chirped as I let the head drop off my fist.

"Sweet job, dude." Nick said.

"Meus Vita, Rege, Pro nefario coepto!" Vikke chanted as he faded back to Inferno.

"Anyone else wonder what that means?" I asked.

Suddenly, the entire boat began to shake and start to fall. "Oh, this bites my balls!" Nick said.

"What are we gonna do?!" Juliet said, stabbing her chainsaw into the boat to keep her from falling.

"We pray. Ooh, wait, try this." I said, texting Superman to get his ass over here and save us.


	6. Crashing, sisters and shrooms

Juliet woke up, looking at her surroundings to find that we were apparently on a farm. "I think this is... It's some sort of farm. I bet any minute now, one of those stupid Dark purveyors is gonna show up totally bumming our worlds! Don't you think, guys?" She asked, then looked around when no one answered. "Guys? Sai? Nick?! Where are you?!" She asked in fear.

"Right here, Juliet." Nick said in a creepy tone. She turned slowly to see she was looking at Nick as a zombie. "What happened?! You never got bit!" She said.

"I was feeling so... ineffective. Needing you and Sai to fight for me. I figured it be better to just go for the gusto. You know, get undead, the whole deal." He said.

"This can't be happening!" she said, turning to run, only to bump into a certain fire demon who was now a zombie.

"What's the rush, babe? Stick around." I said, reaching for her (*shudders* Ugh! I just creeped myself out!).

"Sai?! No! NOOO!" She screamed as we tackled her to the ground and started eating her.

Suddenly, she was snapped out of her hallucination by wild screaming. "Watch out! Watch out! I can't stop it!" A younger girl's voice screamed and Nick was desperately trying to shake her awake.

"Juliet! Juliet!" He screamed, continuing to shake her until she finally woke up and they just barely dodged.

"Rosalind!" Juliet asked, looking at the driver.

"Who?" I asked, popping up from the ship, not noticing the large piece of the floorboard stuck in my chest.

"My little sister!" Juliet said, turning to look at me as I walked over, then they both freaked out.

"Uh, dude." Nick said, pointing to the board in my chest.

"It's a good thing I'm Sai Blade or that might have actually hurt me." I said, looking down at the board, ripping it out.

"Let me guess, she's also a friggin' zombie hunter?" Nick asked.

"Hey, Juliet! I came to save you! Something's wrong with this bus! URGH! It's really irritating!" She said, bouncing up and down uncontrollably. "Is the Jock right next to you your boyfriend?! He's cute! And who is the goth dud in the trench coat? He looks like a total badass!" She said, laughing maniacally.

"Well, she's got the badass part right, but I'm not goth. I don't wear make-up and eyeliner. I'm not like that Swan guy, or my sister Serena's friend Lucy...fer." I said (My sister has a goth friend named Lucy and I do that to tick her off, calling her Lucifer, like Satan).

"Aah! I almost hit a bird, look out!" She said, flashing a peace sign, then we see her bio poster.

**Rosalind Starling:**

**Age: 16**

**Favorite weapon:**

**Something really destructive**

**Hobbies:**

**Scrapbooking, **

**terrorizing pedestrians,**

**Collecting Yeti skulls**

**Secret dream:**

**To meet Justin Bieber... And add his skull to her collection.**

"I have found a news goddess." I said.

"Hey, don't get any ideas." Juliet said.

"I didn't mean like that. I just said that because I love that little secret dream of hers. Let me know if she needs help with that, too." I said.

"Uh, hi, Rosalind!" Nick shouted.

She was still driving out of control, unable to keep the bus in line. "Shit! Sorry, it's not my fault! This bus is fucked up!" She said, getting back in and laughing like crazy.

"Rosalind! This is Nick! And the guy in black is Sai!" She said.

"Yeah, that's more like it." I said.

"Wow, they're cool!" She said.

"Yeah, nice meeting you, too!" Nick called.

Suddenly, she began speeding right towards us. "The brakes aren't working! No! Aaah!" She screamed. "Hey, guys! Don't worry! I'm cool! I've got it all under control!" She said, holding her head. "SHIT!" She screamed.

We quickly jumped either out of the way or, in Juliet's case, over the bus, winking to her sister as she flashed a peace sign near her eyes. Juliet landed on the other side of the bus when Rosalind popped out again. "Oh, fuckballs, I almost forgot! Happy birthday, Juliet!" She said, throwing a present out of the window.

"I haven't felt more in danger from a driver since I saw Stevie Wonder driving to a casino in Las Vegas." I said.

"Something doesn't seem right." Juliet said.

"I guess we should follow that bus, huh?" Nick asked.

"Yeah, first let's see what this is, though." I said, handing the present to Juliet. She opened it to reveal a very pretty and colorful cannon. "Wow, Rosalind must've seen this on my Amazon wish list!" Juliet said.

"I'd be careful messing with Amazon if I were you. I've had 2 purchases I couldn't even use because they were from the UK. Always read the fine print. And sometimes you get fooled, too. I bought the more recent one that didn't work from Kentucky and it still didn't work. Damn regional codes." I said.

"Mega Popper! I can load anything into this and blast it at zombies!" She said happily.

"I see." I said.

"I think this is the old O'Bannon Farm. It looks a little run down." Nick said.

"I love the way crunchy leaves feel under my feet." Juliet said happily.

"I like that, too. I just love the crunchy noise in general, leaves or ice." I said.

"Old MacDonald had a farm Ee ai- We're gonna die." He said.

"Gotta stay positive, man." I said.

We walked a little bit before running into a bunch of farmer zombies. "How's the crops?!Cut the grass! It needs water!" They wall said.

"And it's infested with zombies." Nick said.

"It's okay, it gives me a chance to try out my new-ish weapon." I said, pulling out the End-All Arm I stole from Pit and Dark Pit.

At Palutena's castle...

"Pit! Pittoo! Most of your weapons are gone!" Palutena said.

"Who's got the guts to steal from us?" Pittoo demanded. "And stop calling me Pittoo!" He snapped at me.

"There's a note here, it says 'next time, keep your stuff locked up better, Angels.'" Pit read.

"Sai..." They all said at once.

Back to now...

"Do you steal weapons from everyone in fictional history?" Nick asked.

"Oh, just try and fuckin' stop me." I said, blasting their heads off, but then registered the question. "But no, I would NEVER steal anything from Alucard. I'm smarter than that." I said, shuddering at the consequences.

"Bad dude, huh?" Juliet asked.

"He prolongs the fight merely to humiliate his opponents and inflict more pain." I answered.

"Anything else you got in there?" Nick asked.

"Always." I said, pulling out the Master Sword.

We continued on and a tree fell in our way, which Juliet began to saw through. "I'm glad I just so happened to wear my zombie-fighting underwear today." She said.

"What?" Nick and I asked at the same time.

"Sensei Morikawa said wearing cotton underwear with little teddy bears or hearts is best for doing battle! He'd make me wear them to every class." She answered.

"I'm so creeped out right now." Nick said.

"Yeah, that's really awkward. I have a zombie-fighting shirt, myself, but I didn't wear it for the occasion." I said.

Juliet then blew up a boulder in the way and I blew up an explosive barrel that all the zombies were in front of with the End-All Arm. "Boom! Don't have to fire up the grill for that one." I said. We continued on to the edge of some type of balcony, sawed through another tree and walked to the edge of some type of balcony to see Rosalind's bust being attacked by zombies, who fortunately couldn't think of a way in, but she was crashing into everything. "Shitmuffins! I can't get it to stop! Aaagh!" She screamed, then started laughing again.

"They're attacking Rosalind's bus!" Juliet said, shooting at them.

"I got it." I said, once again using the End-All Arm and blasting one of the zombies, but in the process almost knocked over the bus.

"Holy shit! Hey! Watch where you're shooting!" Rosalind shouted.

"If you ever do that again, I am going to saw your dick off!" Juliet snapped.

"First of all, it'll regenerate. Second, you do that, you will die." I warned, replacing that weapon with Artemis (The demon rifle from Devil May Cry 3, look it up).

Back at DMC...

"I'm going to kill him! Honestly, is there ANYTHING he didn't take?!" Dante snapped, rummaging through the places where he keeps most of his weapons. He kinda snapped now that he found out I took Artemis, too. To his relief, he found that I had NOT taken Rebellion or Ebony and Ivory (I'd have to be an idiot to steal those. He WOULD kill me). Then, much to his annoyance, he heard his two least favorite voices in the world.

"Don't worry, master! He hasn't taken us!" Agni cried out.

"Yes, he must have forgotten us. But that means you can still use us!" Rudra said happily.

"Of course, he didn't take the ones I'd LIKE him to take. When he gets back here..." Dante said, cracking his knuckles and going into Devil Trigger. "Heaven help him." He said.

Back to us...

"Hey, do you think the people you take those weapons from get mad because you do that?" Nick asked.

"Nah, they'll never miss them. Besides, half the time I always bring the stuff back. And I always have back up plans." I said, looking at the 4th wall and raising my eyebrows twice. With Artemis, I quickly blasted off the rest of the zombies.

The bus then drove out of control, burst through a fence and did an Evil Knievel jump over a small cliff onto the other side, all the while, Rosalind was screaming. "Wait, wait, wait! Wait! No, no, no! Aaagh! Hahahaha, whee! This is awful, but hilarious!" She then drove off further into the farm.

"Oh, no! I hope Raosalind's alright!" Juliet said, worried, jumping down.

"We'd better go help her, Juliet!" Nick said, also jumping down, although he wasn't used to jumping down from that height and the pressure buckled his legs and made him fall.

"Fail." I said, flipping and landing, earning applause and a judge came from nowhere and rated the landing as a 10. We then dealt with more zombies and jumped over a large rock in the way, looking for the bus. "Now, if I was a Twisted Metal reject, where would I be?" I asked, but then Juliet hit me in the back of the head with the chainsaw.

"Quit making fun of my sister and help look for her!" She snapped, giving me the same glare Trish does when I steal her motorcycle.

We killed more zombies and then the fattest zombie we've seen so far burst out of a barn. "Holy shit!" Nick and I said at the same time. "Damn, you'd need liposuction." I said.

"Whoa, you're the fattest zombie I've ever seen! Oh, wait. Sorry. I didn't mean to be insensitive. DIE!" She said, shooting his head off.

"Oh, yes, decapitation is so much less offensive." I said.

"Shut up and burn the barn down." Juliet said.

"I get the feeling you're still angry. Fine." I said, ripping it out of the ground with one hand and throwing it away before destroying it with a giant fireball. "Ah, I always did love arson." I said, watching as it burned.

We continued on and killed more and more zombies. "Wow, I really hope your sister isn't dead." Nick said.

"Ouch." I said, kinda shocked he'd say that.

"Why are you saying that, Nick?!" Juliet asked.

"Sorry!" He apologized.

We finally found the bus and found it was being attacked by 3 zombies. "Where's the chickens?" One of them asked. We ended each one with one hit.

"That wasn't to hard- Why is it raining blood?" I said. I then looked up to see a zombie flying somehow above me. "Gross!" I said, shaking the blood off like a dog.

"Get off my farm!" He said.

"Free country." I said, shooting it out of the sky.

"Oh, man, I was just thinking I wish there were some flying zombies around here." Nick said.

"Why were you thinking THAT?! They're trying to kill us!" Juliet said.

"I was being facetious." He said.

"Oh, haha! I'll take care of 'em, Nick!" She said, shooting the other 3 out of the air.

Rosalind then took off again. "Something tells me this is going to be a long level." I said, about to follow, but then Juliet's phone rang. (Again?) I thought.

"Hey, it's Mom, Juliet, you are never going to believe. Rosalind bought a BUS. Yes, you heard right. A bus. Why would anyone want a-? What is wrong with that sister of yours?" Juliet's mom asked, then hung up.

"More things than I can count." I said, putting on the Golden Fleece to repel the shot.

"I'm kind of having a cool thought. We could take a couple of zombies and put 'em in a wrestling ring and make 'em fight to the death and take bets!" Nick said.

"I LOVE THAT IDEA!" I said.

"That's inhumane, Nick." Juliet said.

"And the zombies are inhuman." I said.

"Come on, it'd be funny!" Nick said.

We continued on and had to shoot more boulders rolling at the bus and zombies pushing the boulders. Then we got on the bus, killed more zombies and came close to getting killed by more boulders until we were thrown off the bus. "The hell?!" I demanded.

"She knocked us off the bus, what is she doing?!" Nick asked.

"She's probably just being weird. All that hair dye has gone to her brain." Juliet said calmly.

"Obviously. And how are you not pissed like us?" I asked.

"She's my sister. I can't stay mad at her." Juliet said.

"Huh. That's interesting. Usually when my big sister pisses me off, or the other way around, we throw each other off of a cliff." I said.

"What?!" Nick asked.

"We can fly, duh. It just relieves the stress." I said.

"Okay, weird." Juliet said.

Suddenly, we heard a voice in the sky. "Who is that?" Nick asked.

"I don't know, but I don't like it." I said.

"Yeah. Something fishy is going on here. Check out that mushroom!" Juliet said, pointing to a big-ass mushroom not too far away.

"Huh. Looks like the ones Nero has every Friday night on a much larger scale. Probably hallucinogens." I warned.

She then cut it in half and we then passed out from the fumes.

We woke up in the hallucination world with zombie chickens everywhere. "Ugh... Where are we?" Juliet said.

"I'm dizzy, Juliet... I- Ugh, man." Nick said.

"Love is an open DOOOOR~! Love is an open doooor~!" I sang, spinning around, high out of my mind, passing out at their feet.

"Get up." Juliet said, nudging me with her foot.

"Oohwha,hiyakaratechoppa!" I said, jumping up and getting in a fighting stance.

Suddenly, two hands set down a giant egg. "It's some kind of giant egg." Nick said. Then it hatched into a GIANT zombie chicken. "Aaagh! Some kind of fucked up chicken monster!" Nick said.

"It's like the chickens from Russia!" I said.

"Out of my way, Foghorn Leghorn! I need to get to Rosalind's bus!" Juliet said, shooting at it. It then charged at her, but suddenly fell down, face first, its legs looking like they had been cut and fried off.

"JESUS CHRIST!" Nick screamed.

"Whoops." I said, turning off my lightsaber, then stomped the chicken's head.

Juliet then rushed onto the bus. "Rosalind?! Are you alright?!" Juliet asked, looking all around.

"There's no one here." I said, looking around. Suddenly, we were slammed into the front seats on the bus. "The hell?!" I demanded, royally pissed, looking all around., but there was still no one there.

There was suddenly weird laughing. "This trip ain't over yet, children." An unfamiliar female's voice said, then a hand turned the ignition on the car.

We suddenly woke up on a combine. "Oh, this is gonna be fun!" I said, grinning evilly.

"They say you reap what you sew. And I wanna sew zombie guts!" Juliet said excitedly.

"Go, Juliet, go!" Nick said.

We were mowing down zombie left and right, having a blast all the while. "You ever have a space cake, guys?" Nick asked.

"Mmm, a ding-dong. Yes!" Juliet said.

"No, no, like a pot brownie." He asked.

"Not on purpose. Nero was a douche and gave them to me during a party. Those... weren't pleasant times." I said.

"No way! I would never do drugs!" Juliet said.

"Technically, we just did." I said.

"I wouldn't either!" Nick said.

"Gross!" She said.

"Right! I have no idea what a space cake is like! It totally doesn't remind me of the way I feel right now at all." Nick said.

"Okay." I said, not believing him.

We then finished off the rest of the zombies and everything faded out again...


	7. Home On The Range

We woke up in front of a river in a narrow gap between two barns. "Huh. How did we get here?" I wondered.

"Oh well. Let's just keep moving forward!" Juliet said.

We took maybe a step before a tractor blocked our path and drove right at us. "Oh, shit! It's gonna knock us off the edge!" Nick said.

"Burn it!" I said, throwing a fireball, blowing it to pieces. "Ah, another fine example of my badassery." I said, admiring the burning vehicle.

"There's no other way. We have to keep chugging going forward." She said.

""Right." I agreed. We continued for a small amount of time until we ran into another student who was tied to a scarecrow. "I'll take care of this. Let's do the bullet time!" I said, although I know that's not what it's called. I activated Witch Time, untied the kid, set him off the the side and shot a big-ass boulder on top of a cliff, sending it rolling down the hill at the zombies, then started time again.

"Whoa! What happened?! Sai, how did you do that?!" Juliet said in disbelief.

"Let's just say... I've had training." I said in a slick tone.

The dude gave us money, we killed a couple more zombies and jumped over a small obstacle, getting trapped in a small area with 4 flying zombies. "Oh, great, more zombies we have to kill before we can progress." I said annoyed, throwing a kunai at one of the zombies flying it.

"My sister's acting so strange." Juliet said.

"No offense, but she kind of is." I said.

"That would make her normal, considering it's YOUR family." Nick said to her.

"Ouch. I haven't met her whole family yet, but I'm pretty sure mine one-ups that: My younger sister is a bisexual killing machine who would get off on MOST of this adventure, my twin brother is a demonic, death-loving, bloodthirsty emo badass, my older sisters are overprotective lawyers, but if you so much as threaten me or my siblings, they will rip you to shreds and feed you to a Chihuahua, my mother is pretty normal, except the fact she's the child of the god of death and she can snap just like my sisters and my dad is ALL about power. Seriously, from the day my brother could stand, my dad put him through bone-crushing training. He even threw him off a cliff once. I think he played too much Tekken." I said, leaving both of them speechless and jaw-dropped. "I win!" I cheered.

We cut through the fence and continued on and jumped over a giant boulder, landing on a small balcony on the other side of it. As we found the bus, we noticed that bomber zombies were rising up out of the ground. "Rosalind, be careful! Bomber zombies are coming towards you." Juliet warned.

"Oh, it's never easy." I said, throwing fireballs at the zombies.

I would stand corrected, as it actually was fairly easy, despite the runners towards the end. We then jumped on Rosalind's bus, which was more difficult than shooting zombies, since she kept moving around. "Damn and I thought Dante was a bad driver!" I said, holding on for dear life. Then I noticed at the giant boulder on the cliff and the guys driving towards it. "Oh, come on!" I said, throwing a bunch of small fireballs at them. As soon as that was done, she started the bus up again.

"Wait, Rosalind! Why do you keep moving?! It's irritating!" Juliet snapped.

"Better clear the road or this bus is screwed!" Nick said.

Before we had the chance, the bus crashed into a rock and then drove off. "That... Is starting to piss me off." I said.

"I never hated rocks so much!" Juliet shouted.

We made it a little way, cut through another mushroom and passed out again. When we woke up, we were in that freaky Twilight Zone again. This time, the bus was behind 3 zombie chickens. "One for each of us." I said, running at the one on the right as the other two went for Juliet and Nick.

"It's Colonel Sanders' worst nightmare." Nick said as he fought back against his feathered attacker.

I defeated mine by using Vergil's Air Trick maneuver to teleport above the freaky chicken, then did an ax kick, slamming it's head to the ground, smashing it. Nick managed to kill his chicken after enough fighting and Juliet cut the head off of her chicken at about the same time.

"Now for the bus!" Juliet said. Unfortunately, that wouldn't happen, as the bus suddenly turn into a weird, 3-headed robot chicken. "What the dick?!" Juliet said.

"This is getting close, but it's still not the weirdest thing I've ever seen." I said, melting the bus and the chicken heads into a puddle of molten metal.

"Oh, boy. That wasn't even the right bus." Juliet said.

Suddenly, everything faded yet again...

We woke up once again on another combine. "Okay, new plan. No more cutting into mushrooms." I said,

"Back to this again, huh?" Nick said. At that moment however, we all noticed something different.  
"Uh-oh. Now there's bomber scarecrows! Juliet said worriedly.

"This... Will be fun." I said, throwing fireballs at the scarecrows that weren't close to us, blowing up dozens of zombies. "Oh, arson, how I love thee." I smirked.

"I'm pretty good at driving a tractor, huh?" Juliet asks.

"I don't see any problems." I said.

"Yeah, sure." Nick said.

"You're lying, Nick! I can tell, you crinkle your nose! Like that time you told me you didn't think Michelle Martin was hot." Juliet snapped.

"This is getting fun." I said, watching the couple feud with popcorn.

"Can we just kill zombies, please?" Nick asked.

"Damn. That was fun listening to." I said.

"Sai, the zombies are getting to close on the sides." Juliet warned.

"Oh, right, got it." I said, pulling out a rag, putting it in a bottle of liquor, grabbing the end of it and lighting it on fire, hitting a zombie in the face with it, lighting them all on fire. "Too bad I don't have some marshmallows." I said as the world faded again...

Juliet woke up on the ground again and noticed the bus. "Oh, there she is!" She said, getting up and was about to walk to the bus, before it pulled away again. "HOLD ON, ROSALIND! God, what is going on?!" She demanded.

"I feel kinda dizzy. Like that time father O'Maley roofied me." Nick said in a weird tone.

"Hey, where's Sai?" Juliet said.

"Boys and girls of every age, wouldn't you like to see something strange?" I sang, walking up from the woods wearily and collapsing at their feet.

"You okay?" Juliet said.

"Once again, I still say no more cutting through mushrooms." I said, slowly getting up.

We continued on and went over another big jump. Luckily, this one was small enough for Nick to actually jump most of the way. He still landed in the water, however. "Whee! How do you like my form, Nick?!" Juliet asked.

"I hate this!" Nick said.

"You get used to it. We all need second-rate characters." I said. Then, Juliet did another stripper thing on a nearby pole and killed more zombies. "Best. Game. EVER." I said.

"Oh, man..." Nick said in shock and wonder.

"I'm glad I took that pole dancing class! could do this much better in my clear Lucite heels!" Juliet said.

"They have pole dance CLASSES?" I said, looking at nick.

"How else would they learn how?" Nick asked.

"I wonder if Lady would mind taking those classes?" I wondered.

Juliet finished them off and we continued, cutting through another fence, mutilating more zombies, cutting through a tree and were about to charge at 4 fatass zombies, but just as I was about to attack... Juliet's phone rang. "Again?" Nick said.

"This is getting SERIOUSLY inconvenient." I said.

"Hey, I don't like it much, either." She said, stopping and answering the phone.

"Juliet? It's mom. I hate to be a dingbat, but I guess I forgot to buy milk and I have to make your birthday cake. Would you mind picking some up on the way-?" Her mother began, but then it sounded like she was laughing about something. "Oh, wait. I really am a dingbat, it's sitting right here on the counter." She said, hanging up.

"The hell's a dingbat?" I asked.

"And how could she have not seen it right on the counter.?" Juliet said shaking her head, picking up her chainsaw and taking off after the zombies.

"That's also a bitch move to ask YOU to buy milk for YOUR birthday cake. The whole point of a birthday is for people to give you a bunch of stuff you DIDN'T have to pay for." I said, following.

We continued on and fought the fatass zombies from before, plus one small one they were apparently beating up on. After that, as we continued to a small opening with LOTS of barrels, a windmill suddenly began falling on us. The two of them braced for impact and prepared to be crushed, but I casually held it up with one hand. "Schwarzenegger ain't got shit on me." I said.

"Was that hard to spell?" Nick asked.

"Indeed." I confirmed

"I'm getting a great calf workout from all this jumping around!" Juliet said happily.

"You kinda remind me of my younger sister." I said.

"Are you calling me bi?!" She demanded, putting the chainsaw to my throat.

"That's the one way you DON'T remind me of her. She's also an energetic airhead, too." I said.

"Oh." Juliet said.

And she's a vampire!

[Why didn't we tell her that?]

(Hey, we're not an open book.) I told them in my head.

Suddenly, zombies rose up everywhere. "Oh, no! It's like evil carrot dudes!" Juliet said.

"Someone's using some fucked up fertilizer!" Nick said.

"I've got a solution." I said, shooting the barrels the zombies were near with fireballs, blowing them up easily. "That was a blast." I smirked.

"Ha ha! That was funny Sai! Let's go get my sister." Juliet said as we started to continue, but then twice as many rose up, 16 of them altogether.

"Oh, come on." We all complained.

"Time for the big bang theory." I said, throwing bigger fireballs at the rest of the barrels, blowing up all but 4 of them, which Juliet and Nick handled.

"Teamwork! Can't beat it!" Juliet said.

"Let's just go before-" Nick started, but then even more zombies rose up (32) and we didn't have any more barrels to blow them up with. "Fuck." He said.

"Time for my signature attack!" I said, grabbing the two of them, tossing them into the air and jumping after them. "FEEL THE HEAT." I said in a demonic tone, throwing down a giant fireball that burnt the entire area with a massive explosion and a huge mushroom cloud. We all expertly landed on our feet, creating a wind that blew the fire out.

"Sai. That was AWESOME!" Nick said.

"Yeah! You should've done that before! That was awesome!" Juliet said.

"Yeah, it's a nice firework show, but it does take a lot out of me. Where's a bed?" I said, falling back and passing out.

"Wake up." They both said, kicking me in the sides.

"Okay, not gonna lie, dick move, guys. Dick move." I said,getting up.

At long last, we cut through another gate, killed one more fatass zombie, cut through a tree and caught up to the bus. "Hurry, Juliet, get it!" Rosalind called.

We all got on the bus and I kicked back in seat 5, where I normally sit on a school bus. "Nice looking bus you have. Later on, I could show you how to armor it up and make it like a tank." I told her.

Juliet quickly shook her head no at that, then turned to her little sister. "Rosalind! I was worried about you! Are you okay?" Juliet asked.

"Yeah, I guess! This stupid bus broke down, but I fixed it!" She said, driving off.

"Huh. I didn't take you for the type that could fix anything. I thought you'd be the type that just broke everything." I said. But I also noticed something was different. She was a complete spaz the first couple of times we've seen her, but now she's perfectly calm and was even driving perfectly, obeying the rules of the road.

"How did you fix the bus, Rosalind? Just last week, you needed to take your car to the shop because you didn't know cars needed OIL." Juliet said.

"What?!" I said, not being able to process the stupidity. I may not know how to replace oil, but most guys by the age of 5 at least know cars NEED oil.

"How could you know how to-?" Juliet started, but then Rosalind's humming turned into weird laughter.

"Rosalind? Where are we going?" Nick asked, causing her to laugh more.

"Rosalind? Hey-" Juliet said, getting closer, but suddenly, Rosalind turned the wheel hard, slamming Juliet into one of the seats. We then looked into the rear view mirror and saw that in the reflection, Rosalind was a zombie, getting multiple reactions:

Juliet: What the heck?

Sai: The hell?

Rosalind then began laughing in two different voices at once."We're headed towards-" A new voice said above her own. "Your grave!" She said. Suddenly, she swerved the bus as weird spikes popped up on the sides and everything went dark...

Suddenly, there was a new world that made me think we were on LSD as we jumped out of the whole in the center of the world, onto a ring of buses. "Okay, this is just plain weird." I said, looking around.

"Who the hell are you?!" Juliet demanded, looking at the zombie chick rising up from the hole in the center.

The zombie in question laughed as she continued to rise, suspended in some form of psychic bubble. "Ah, sister Juliet! And brothers Sai and Nick. Let's travel to the land beyond the Doors of Perception. Lose yourself in the eternal, collective unconscious. And ROT." She said, still laughing.

"Brother? Hell, no, I'm not your brother! None of my sisters even come close to being as ugly as you." I said, then I caught a strong whiff of her scent. "Ugh! My god, you stink! Right now I'm sorry to be a demon and have heightened senses." I said, desperately blocking my nose.

"Yeah, listen, lady, why don't you try some deodorant? Because honestly? You smell like shit!" Juliet said, revving her chainsaw.

"This one was just as insolent." She said, gesturing to another bubble that housed...

"Rosalind!" Juliet said in fear and concern.

"Now, open your heart... And let my music guide you... Into the world of ever-lasting PEACE!" She said, flipping us off.

"Hey!" I snapped, shooting that finger off, causing her to let out a pained gasp, but it didn't stop her from going on and on.

"And rot... And Hell!" She said, flashing a peace sign. Then we see her Bio Poster.

**Mariska**

**Psychedelic zombie**

**Influences:**

**Jeffeson Airplane, Aldous Huxley, BAD fashion sense **

"I think you need to learn what symbols mean what, bitch." I said, getting the girls (Fire and Ice) ready. We ended the first round pretty easily by splitting up to give her multiple targets and all of us shooting together at once. "FINISH HER!" I shouted like Shao Kahn as Juliet rushed up and cut the bitch in half vertically.

However, unlike most zombies, that didn't kill her. The two halves floated side by side for a moment and she spoke suddenly. "One truth becomes two!" She announced, then the missing halves of each side reformed, making 2 of her. "2 truths become 4!" She said, ripping herself in half again and then there were 4 of her.

"Okay that's new... And cheating." I said.

"There's like 4 of her is this for real? What the hell!" Nick said.

We continued as we normally would, but then thing became different: Two of her rose up as the mutant chick robot heads and two of her drove combines right at us. "Oh, this blows!" I said, throwing one fireball at each combine, blowing them both up. "Win." I smirked.

Hehe! I get it! You said it blows and then you blew them up!

[...It wasn't the most complicated joke in the world.]

Juliet kept firing at the chicken heads, dispersing them until there was only one copy of her left. "Yippee ki yay, motherfucker!" We all said, shooting at her together, blasting her again to be finished off.

"I got her!" I said, about to rush in, but Juliet was closer and already was there and started cutting her in half the same way as she did before. "Maybe that isn't such a good idea." I told her.

Too late. She cut her in half again and... "One truth becomes two!" She shouted as she reformed, then ripped herself in half again. "Two truths become four!" She said as she reformed, then ripped herself in half again, reforming and making 8 of her.

"Well, we don't have to worry about ripping her a new one. She's doing that for us, but that's the problem. I'm killing her next time." I said as we continued to fire. Suddenly, in addition to a bunch of fireballs we had to dodge, a bunch of weird butterflies formed together and flew at me. "Ooh, pretty butterflies." I said, but then they attacked. "Ow! Bad butterflies! Get 'em off!" I said, lighting myself on fire and killing them all. "Now I'm pissed!" I growled, pulling out a minigun.

"Oh, shit." Mariska said, wide-eyed.

"Say 'ello to my lil' friend!" I shouted, loading all of her copies up with bullets, easily destroying all except the real one and loading her up with holes as I prepared for the kill. "Elustra Fauna!" I said, doing a summon dance, confusing Nick and Juliet, until my hair snaked and went into a demonic portal, appearing behind Mariska as a giant monster made of my hair, Gomorrah.

The monster roared and seized her in it's jaws and repeatedly chomping down on her. Then, it opened it's mouth as wide as it could and chomped down with maximum force, completely destroying Mariska and the freaky fantasy world we were just in. "Go back to Hell in the 70's where you belong." I told her as Gomorrah disappeared, the portal closed and my hair went back to normal. Then I looked at the 4th wall. "Weren't expecting THAT now, were you?" I asked.

"Meus Vita, Rege, pro nefario coepto." She said as she faded back to the portal to hell.

We then noticed where exactly we were: Vikke's destroyed ship. " Whoa. We've been here the whole time." Nick said.

"Talk about getting the runaround." I agreed.

At that moment however, Juliet looked around. "Rosalind. She's not here." Juliet said.

"She was either a part of the hallucination, or maybe she went to go get ice cream." I said, shrugging. Suddenly, her phone rang again. "Another call from Mommy?" I asked in an annoyed tone.

"It could be important." She said, stabbing her chainsaw into the ground and answering the phone.

"Hey there. Juliet, are you ready to boogie-woogie?!" The voice asked, talking through an 80's talkbox.

"Oh, fantastic. A Funk zombie. I never liked Funk... Unless of course I was with Lady and there was a typo." I said, smirking at the end.

"That was a sex joke, right?" Nick asked.

"Yep." I confirmed.

"Who is this?!" Juliet demanded.

"The. One. You. Ain't. Gonna. Level. Up. On." He said.

"Why are you pretending to be Stephen Hawking?!" She demanded.

"It's a talkbox, Juliet. People in the 80's used it to sound like robots because they were on so much cocaine it sounded good." I explained.

"I've got the freaky little super freak right here." He sang.

"Ugh. So far he's the second most annoying out of these Dark Purveyors." I said.

Suddenly, we heard Rosalind's voice on the phone. "Get your hands off of me, you zombie pedo! Juliet, don't worry about me, I-" She started, but then she sounded like she was being gagged.

"He's working his way up to number one, though." I said, pissed.

"If you wanna win your sister back, baby, you need to win a game with me. Make your way to the Fulci Fun Center. I can't wait to party with your corpses like it's 1983!" He laughed, hanging up. Juliet was absolutely pissed, breaking the stick off of her lollipop.

"It'll be a cold day in hell before he parties with my corpse. I don't think he'll be able to find a way to kill me before I kill him." I said.

"It's a trap guys. We can't just rush in there alone." Nick said.

"Uh, hello? Immortal badass. Right here." I said, raising my hand. "Huh. Immortal Badass. Sounds like a good name for a band." I said, texting that to Damion.

"We don't have any other choice, Nick! Like Sai said, he's all we'll need and besides, who's gonna help us?" She asked.

Suddenly, Superman flew down to where we were. "Sai. I believe you needed some help?" He asked.

"No. That was an hour ago. You're a useless dumbass in a stupid-ass outfit again as of now. Go away." I told him.

"Look, Sai, I know what's going on here. It might be best for us to put our differences aside and work together." He said.

"What? I mean, why?" I asked.

"You three are incredible." He said.

"Yeah, and we all have badass magic weapons. And you're not a badass, you're a wuss-ass. We could end you easily, right now." I told you.

"It's just..." He stammered, then sighed. "You're cool." He said.

I laughed understanding what was going on. "Oh, okay, I get it. You're having an image problem." I said.

"Don't be ridiculous! I'm Superman." He said.

"Exactly. You're fucking White Bread. You're boring. Look at you and your stupid outfit." I said, pointing to it.

"My father gave me this outfit." He said.

"Whoop-Dee-do! No one cares. Still lame. I'm cool because I made my kick-ass clothes myself and I kill motherfuckas left and right. Go kill a couple hundred bad guys and get a better costume and we'll talk. You got a stupid S on your chest, like we could forget who you are." I said.

"What's going on?" Nick asked Juliet.

"I think they have some beef between them." She whispered.

"It's my people's symbol for hope." He said.

"Hope starts with an 'H', dumbass." I said.

"Okay, just- stop." He said.

"Face it, you're lame." I said.

"You get freaked out by Hypno! One of the least scary Pokemon out there." He said.

"A: That was only for a week, I've made peace with that now. B: That was the first day I had my phone and I had the volume up full-blast and I had no idea how loud it was and that voice at the beginning is creepy as fuck. C: You've never heard it, either, so you can't say shit. D: I watched it late at night, which makes it creepier. And finally: Fuck you! I didn't just inherit my abilities from a different FUCKING atmosphere! 'This air makes me strong!' You fucking nerd! With your nerd hair!" I snapped.

There you go, random guest fan, now you know why Hypno's lullaby creeped us out.

[Still mostly that voice in the beginning, though. And now the various fans know our opinion of Superman.]

Suddenly, Damion showed up from nowhere. "Hey, Sai, got your text." He said, then looked between everyone. "What's going on here?" He asked.

"We were discussing a team-up." Superman said.

"Why?" Damion asked.

"That's what I said!" I said.

"Yeah, it seems completely unnecessary." Damion agreed.

"Right?" I asked.

"Why are you guys being this way?" He asked.

"Somebody's gotta tell you man. You're boring." I said.

"Really lame." Damion said.

"You know what? Screw you guys. Just forget it." He said, about to take off.

"You know all this lameness might be one of the reasons why you've never been able to... SEAL THE DEAL, with Lois Lane." I said doing a certain motion with my thumb and fist.

"Ooh!" Everyone else said, knowing I totally dissed him.

"Leave. Her. Out of this." He growled.

"She's always just throwing that brassy, sassy news reporter poon in you face. Like 'hey! This just in! Put this... Just in me.'" I said.

"Stop." He demanded.

"What's the point of being the Man of Steel if you don't know what to do with all that metal? Hit it!" I said, high 5'ing Damion.

"Enough!" He shouted, floating into the air and making his eyes go red, to which everyone, even Juliet and Nick, deadpanned.

"You're adorable." Damion said, unfazed.

"Yeah. What are you gonna do, sweetie? Burn us with your magic eyes? That'd be a first. You always use if for something stupid, like cutting through an iceberg or heating up an old woman's porridge. 'Is that soup too cold, madam?'" I said, mocking him at the end and making the laser sound effect.

"I'd use that stuff to take off people's arms." Damion said.

"Goodbye." He said, flying off.

[And thus you have our opinion of Superman.]

Basically our opinion of Batman times 2.

"Finally. Takes forever and a day to make him go away." I sighed, then turned back to Nick and Juliet. "Okay, we have help. My best and most badass friend, Damion Castro." I said, introducing the vampire.

At that moment, another light shined on us and a motorcycle pulled up to us with a guy looking like Elvis driving it. "Hey, baby." He said to Juliet.

"Daddy!" She said happily.

**Dad AKA Gideon Starling**

**Age: 44**

**Favorite Weapon:**

**His own G.D fists **

**Favorite food:**

**Peanut Butter and Pickle Sandwich **

**Skills:**

**Bone breaking, life taking, baby making**

**Unknown fact:**

**Cries every time a dog dies on TV**

"Mr. Starling?" Nick asked, but then the latter glared at him, making him back away.

"Nice I finished another chapter, added Damion into the story and royally dissed Superman. It was a good day." I said, nodding.


End file.
